Rad Dad: ZEUS

This is an installment I hope to have as somewhat of a regular, the aim to give some of the rad dads out there a shout out. First installment Olympian god Zeus!

I intended this piece to be about Zeus’ relationships with his kids, because they were real fucking turbulent, however it quickly morphed into the sex-scapades  of the Zeus as he went about raping mortals and screwing his sisters. So Rad Dad Zeus: here is your legacy.

I am going to start off with Zeus’ own father, Cronus, the douchey-est dad of them all. Zeus was actually the sixth born child, so you may ask yourself why is He the top guy on Olympus? Well that’s because Cronus ate the first five of his children – Cronus tried to eat Zeus too but luckily he mistook a rock for his son and ate that – PHEW! Don’t worry Cronus barffed up his children several years later. True story.

You may think that after having such a shitty father himself, Zeus would try a little harder with his own kids. Wrong. That bitch kept the cycle of dysfunction going strong.

When Zeus seduced his first lady, when I say seduced I mean, creepily stock then impregnate by force. What’s a god to do with this un-wanted baby? Well eat the pregnant mother and have done with it of course! Too bad for Zeus that this baby would turn out to be Prometheus (he turns out to be a douche bag too) who escaped by splitting Zeus’ scull with an axe, you know the little ones they give you in the womb?

Zeus went on to father Athena, the agents of destiny (four chicks), Aphrodite, Charity, the Muses, Apollo & and his bitchy twin Airtimes. According to Hesiod after all this shit the “sacred marriage” of Zeus to his one true love: his sister Hera – looks like the Lannisters aren’t the only sister-fuckers out there. In fact Zeus was such a sister-fucker he didn’t limit his sister-fucking to Hera, Demeter was also one of his sister-fucks and fathering adventures. By his sisters Zeus sired: Hebe, Eilithyia, Ares, and Persephone.  Zeus’ intriusgius with mortals were countless, including Achilles, Hercules, Ajax, etc.. Moral of the story Zeus was one slutty rad dad!

Best part of this is that Zeus wasn’t just a creepy slut; he was a sneaky fuck too. Most of the mortal women that he knocked up were tricked by the cunning Zeus through the clever disguises, usually animals, though sometimes a golden shower. YUM! I know I would take bestiality over a god any day of the week – WTF?

What with all these kids it is no wonder Zeus was a less than steller Dad. You’d be a shitty parent too if you have some many kids you lost count, just ask Octomom.

So here’s to you, Zeus, the father of dead-beat dads all over the world. You give all the great sluts of our time something to aspire to.