Guest Blogger Dania On Step Kids, Ruined Marriages And Buttseck

The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the rate for first ones. Don’t ask for percentages or references because I don’t have time to look that shit up. I read it somewhere on the internet ok? You guys are lucky that I took the time to write this informative little piece in the hopes of helping some unfortunate soul from making the same mistakes I did.

Why, you ask, do more second marriages fail? It’s not money or sex. We have our shit together by the time we take a second trip down the aisle. We expect a pre-nup and we don’t care if our husbands bang the secretary…that bitch can go down on him like nobody’s business and we don’t care. That leaves us more time with Fernando, the pool boy, who unlike our husbands, is hot and does that thing with his tongue that we like. No, it’s the kids. Or as I like to refer to them: the baggage.

I used to love traveling - as a matter of fact that’s one of the reasons I married my husband. Well, I mean I married him for his money of course, but that meant I could spend it traveling but then airlines started charging baggage fees - outrageous fees.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind spending my husband’s money hand over fist. What I do mind is having to pay for something that should be included.

And that brings us to the step-kids…the baggage fee of second marriages. And why most second marriages are doomed.  Somebody has got to take them.  Personally I don’t get it. There are 6 year olds in China holding down full time jobs in sneaker factories so why couldn’t my husband’s kids get a job instead of going to elementary school? Why do I have to pay for his mistake of not pulling out?

It’s not that I don’t like kids – they can be useful (see the aforementioned sneaker factory), plus if you put Swiffer pads on an infant who is learning to crawl it can clean the entire floor in less than a day. But I digress.  No, the reason step-kids ruin marriage is because they are a constant reminder.  I do not want to be reminded that my husband was once married to someone else, and no, I’m not jealous, but I do not want to be reminded of how many times I had to take it in the ass in order to steal my husband away from his former wife.  Not just take it in the ass, but pretend to fucking love it, which is why I started drinking and that reminds me, I’ve been typing for 5 minutes and haven’t had a sip of my martini. Hold on a sec, I’ll be right back.

 

Oh wow, I forgot I started writing this thing. Sorry, the past 2 days are kind of blurry. Now then, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, step-kids and why they ruin a marriage.  Holidays; that’s another reason the little bastards doom it. Every Christmas it’s that same thing: constantly whining about coming home and spending time with us…I mean seriously, the ungrateful bastards do not appreciate how much of their father’s money I spend so that they can go to a lovely boarding school in Switzerland.  I don’t want them running around and distracting me from my private one-on-one ski lessons in Aspen with my new friend, Hans.  It’s hard enough explaining the hours I spend every day with Hans to my husband. Apparently he thinks after a week I should know how to ski, or at least have bought a pair of skis, whatever.

 

Just now the oldest messaged me again and asked for the fifth time this week to please come home. I told him to go spend the holidays with his sister, what’s her name, the short ugly redhead.  He said something about not having a sister. Now that I think about it, he may be right. We did have a Pomeranian. That’s probably it. No wonder I always liked that one the best.

Anyway, Fernando is here and I need him to, um, work on something.  Learn from my mistakes and make sure you move immediately after sending the step-kids away to school and remember to change your phone number.  Also, I hear there are openings in the new Nike factory in Szechung. 

-Dania