Guest Blogger: Goodies. Kids suck. Plus they stretch out your cooter

I have been friends with Goodies for about 3-4 years now, we're such good friends that I don't even know her real first name. She is one of the internest most infamous trolls when it come to cats (cats! I hate cats!) and NASCAR and all round super funny chick. Here are her insights in to jerky parents

Goodies: 

As a single and independent girl, I’d like to jot down a few things that aggravate me about my dirtbag friends with kids.

Friends with kids are cheap asses. They think just because they’re the dicks who had fun suckers, I’m on a budget too when we go out. No, jerks I will not be splitting the tab of shitty light beer pitchers with you. I can afford quality vodka and a pair of $175 imported leather heels.

Friends with kids are selfish. Yes I said it. Parents are absolutely WAY more selfish than I am. One particular girlfriend thinks it is perfectly okay to inconvenience my sweet, sweet freedom so that she’s not inconvenienced. Ever. For example: it took us over two weeks to coordinate a gym schedule with a time that would work out for the both of us.

 I like to go before 9pm, while she wanted to go after the night time dinner, bath and bed routine. Well finally after grueling text messages of arbitration, I hesitantly agreed to go at 9pm. So I sent her a message saying, “Okay then I’ll meet you at the fitness center by my end of town.” (We have two within a 10 mile radius between the two of our homes). She replied back in haste, “Oh, no I’m not driving that far that time of night.” Later on in the week during a conversation goes on to insult me with, “Why can’t you drive? It’s not like you have kids.” Well guess what, bitch? Kiss my tight ass because you’re spare tire is sticking around for another holiday season.

 I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was. But honestly I was, I’ve already compromised my time to meet her scheduling and this asshole still wanted me to drive 10 miles? I’m not the dumbshit who forgot to take my birth control pill resulting in three boys back to back. So, yeah friends with kids are selfish pricks. 

  One thing I can’t stand are parents who continually complain about this or that about their shitty kids, or not having enough time to themselves. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t really care to hear about how your life is taken up of driving kids to activities all week. There is a fire station or hospital nearby, and I’m pretty sure you can’t get arrested for the “Safe Surrender” of your 5 and 8 year olds. Now quit your complaining and let’s get this done because we need to hit the road to Vegas before 6pm or we’ll be stuck in traffic an extra unnecessary two hours, and I specifically got my cleavage and abdomen enhancing spray tan and $45 bottle of body bronzing shimmer lotion for this weekend. 

Another favorite of mine is when my friends with kids come over to my house or we go out to dine, and let the demons make all sorts of a mess. Guess why? Because they don’t have to clean up! Lazy fuckers.

Friends with kids are liars. I don’t have anything significant against kids, but they are annoying. Parents are annoying. And I’ve watched my friends live in denial, each one of them, as they pop out kid after kid. Trying to convince themselves as they post asinine cutsie wootsie instgram pictures on Facebook they’re aren’t miserable. Liars. They can’t stand their kids more than I can’t. 

Kids suck. Plus they stretch out your cooter and make your tits look like sloppy sagging knee highs and drooping dark chocolate chips melted tips.

 


Me: 

That is some funny shit right there! 

I want to point out that your friends is a fucking idiot if she hasn't figured about that going to the gym AT kids bedtime means you don't have to do it !

Here is a gem I found in Goodies Facebook on here giving instruction on the location of a window. This post was possible my favorit Facebook post EVER. 

Hi Carol,

Would you be the one we need to speak with to get blinds put up on the windows on the third floor?  Or could you point us into the right direction? 

Thank you,

A

 From: Carol C

Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 5:16 PM

To: A

Subject: RE: Blinds

I am not sure what you are asking?

 From: A

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 8:16 AM

To: Carol C

Subject: Blinds 

One of the offices on the third floor we occupy doesn’t have blinds, so it gets pretty hot and stuffy.  We want to know if putting blinds up is something building manager does or we’re on our own.  We’d like to get it taken care of before summer comes.

Thanks, 

A

 From: Carol C

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 4:23 PM

To: A

Subject: Re: Blinds

 What office

Sent from my iPhone

 From: A

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 4:46 AM

To: Carol C

Subject: Blinds 

Hi Carol, 

I’m glad you asked so I can clarify this for you.  I wasn’t sure if you would understand which office I was referring to.  It’s the office with the large, wall sized windows on the third floor that ********** occupies.  We only occupy two rooms, so it’s the office we occupy with the windows.  It’s not the office without the windows that has the three cubicles and small conference table – that area doesn’t have windows so we don’t need blinds there.  It’s the office by the large window that faces the freeway; it’s the only office we occupy on the third floor with windows.  Let me know if you would like me to meet you up there and we can discuss it.  I’m only on the second floor below you, and I’m upstairs several times throughout the day.  Also, I have three key cards to return to you anyway.  Let’s schedule a convenient time for you so the two of us can meet on the third floor, and we can go over the blinds for the windows for the office we occupy with the large windows.  We have a big copier by the doorway in the room by the window with the freeway view, if that helps. 

Thanks! :)

A