Rad Dad Guest Blogger Riaz: True satisfaction cames from farting on smaller children

Here is a guest blog from Riaz, a funny guy who REALLY likes to fart.

Riaz: I wrote this on the toilet so you may need to check my grammar and spelling.

With the sporting world tending towards extreme sports, it seems that the crazy shit I did as a kid for free can now be done in front a camera for lots of money. Never being one to not jump on the bandwagon, I too have decided to cash in on this opportunity and invent an extreme sport of my own before some young punk who suffered brain damage from running head first into the side of a brick wall for twenty-five cents realises that he can do it for ESPN for at least twice that amount.

Being a new father, I don't have as much opportunity to do extreme activities as I once did because my wife seems to catch me in the act and stop me ever time because she somehow fears I will hurt the baby. So I reflected upon my youth to see what I did back then that I could give a cool sounding name like "Spelunking" or "Drifting" or something like that to catch the attention of other brain damaged fans. I remember jumping off the balcony of my parents' house with the four corners of a blanket held together in my fist but people call that parachuting. I also remember pouring water down the side of a hill and then standing on a board and sliding down it, trying not to break my neck - too similar to snowboarding. I even remember tying a rope around my waist and rappelling off the banisters. I suspect people will say that is just bungee jumping without the benefit of elastic to absorb the shock. 

Then I remembered something that I did once by accident as an adult. I was in a store while suffering from gas. I stood next to a large industrial fan in the hopes that the noise from the fan mask the noise caused from the vibrations of my anus as I released gas as well as the air flow from the fan giving the added benefit of dissipating the scent of my fart quickly so as not to draw undue attention in my direction. After a quick glance around, I released the tension in my rectum and let go. At that same moment, a small child walked by in the direct line of fire. He got the full blast of my ass. I laughed. The next day at work, I told all my co-workers and they were all impressed except for my supervisor who I think secretly hated me anyway. 

A short time after that, I was in another store and again found it necessary to break wind from my posterior. I went to a quiet part of the store where no one was around and let flatulence reign supreme. When I was done, I turned around to make a hasty retreat as the more dense Hydrogen Sulphide would not diffuse quickly enough in the humid air, causing anyone walking by to know my guilt. In doing so, I saw a security guard standing as still as one of the honour guards outside Buckingham Palace. I farted on the man. This gave me a strange exhilaration. Like some narcotic, I wanted more. I needed more. As soon as I got home, I immediately farted on each and every one of my dogs as they came to greet me. This startled them and it was most gratifying to see them sniffing inquisitively with their noses up in the air as if trying to decode what I ate while I was out that day.

As I farted on more and more people and animals, I found that the only true satisfaction came form farting on smaller children. The more annoying the child, the more satisfying. As the years went by, I could not find someone to share this passion with me. I suspect this sport is too revolutionary and the world isn't ready for it as yet. I felt like DaVinci - a man ahead of his time. 

It is my hope that by writing this, others who share a love for the sport of Flatulation will come to know that they are not alone, nor are they deviants and that there are others out there just like you. For those of you interested in getting into the sport, I suggest you start with smaller children who cannot run away. Don't go too small because you could cause asphyxia in the smallest of children. Once you have mastered farting on smaller children, increase the difficulty level by doing it while they are close to their parents. A good tip is to immediately look at the child in disgust as soon as you have done it and then look at the parent afterwards. This will make the parent blame the child and in some instances, they will even apologize to you! Next move up to pre-teens. There is a different component to this aspect of the sport. Here you will have to physically chase and catch them before you can fart on them. Running while keeping your sphincter taut is no easy task and hence the reason for this sport having different leagues for toddlers and pre-teens as targets. Eventually, when you feel you have mastered the first two levels, you may want to move on to teenagers. Teenagers are the most satisfying to fart on because they are so stupid and annoying. Nothing clears out a KFC full of rambunctious teens like a good farting on. If you do this, the other patrons will thank you for helping them be able to eat their meal in peace. At this level of the sport,, unlike the previous two, is it acceptable to shart. While this is frowned upon when playing pre-teen or toddler levels, it is encouraged here. The reason for this is that some teens may attempt to retaliate and you can legally use the shit in your underwear to fend them off. Whether it by hurling it at them like a chimpanzee or simply smearing it on your hands and threatening to touch them the choice is totally up to the athlete. 

Now that I have peeked your interest in this new sport, I encourage you to go out and try it. A good arena with plenty of targets is always family reunions or if you live far away from family, try local playgrounds and schools. Be aware of laws where you live when it comes to dealing with small children whom you have no guardianship or relation to as well. You may even want to play with your own kids or swap kids with parents who also have children and are looking for a hobby and a good way to get fit while involving the entire family.
I would like to hear your experiences.

Thanks for the funny post Riaz and thanks for introducing up to the sport of Flatulation.