Red Sonja humped all over Arnold Schwarzenegger's peen

File his under: Fucking gross shit I did not need to know! 

Via Perez Hilton

Not fame whore at all, Bridget Nelson, selflessly shares with the needy world today that she and Arnie got funky back in 1985. Bridget says to fuck with the headlines and reality and that she didn't know that the Terminator was married. 

Well that is the basics of this story no matter how the internet spins it. That's the jist and you aint gonna get more than 300 words out of that story. 

Oh Hell! I forgot - some LA PR agent says: 

"Arnold is remorseful" - well than that's ok then. 

3 memes, because other than these and Gorge Tekie no one reads anything on Facebook

Fun Making Memes 2 -PMS

I hate memes, they are repetitive and lazy, however, I made these so I LOVE them. 

Meme making

Creepy Weirdo: Frederik Ruysch

Talk about creepy weirdos! This guy is the creepiest, creep to ever weirdo-out. 

Frederik Ruysch (1638-1731) was a Dutch botanist and anatomist, who was not just a creepy weirdo, but also and scientific pioneer in the feed on preservation. 

So what's an early modern guy do to with the new technology of anatomical preservation? Why create creepy "assemblages" of course. Ruysch liked nothing better than to preserve bodies parts, preferably dis-formed, or child body parts, then pose them in freaky-deaky positions: "I know a baby skeleton would look really good playing the violin on top on a pile of fetuses, with the skin of refugees' stretched to look like  leaves," - natural history and material culture at it's best! 

I have a few of prints of Ruysch assemblages that I have hung in the babies nursery. Take that you little baby creeps! 
This shit reminded me that my kids could turn out to be real-life creepy weidos, at least they will be successful, rich creepy weirdos. Self made rich people are always creepy fucks. 

Proper creepy weirdo. 

Why Not to Be yourself

I constantly hear people telling other people: "Oh just be yourself", well this is why you shouldn't be yourself - you are a creepy weirdo. 

You probably smoke, drink, swear, pick your nose, pick you bum, have a nervous twitch, have an unbearable desire to turn light switch on-off-on-off, like the word, snot....ssssnnnnnnooooootttttttt, chew your own toe nails, like yo mamam jokes, read Choose Your Own Adventure books, are seriously concerned over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship, think that eating makes you look fat, have had the same deodorant for 7 years. Cray-cray shit like that. 

Jesus! If you unleashed that to people that you had just met they would be right the fuck out of there. 

So you put on your best Facebook life ( the life you portray on Facebook), smile, laugh at other people's stupid jokes, and say" HEY world, I am a nice, normal person, that normal people would want to have interaction with". When in reality you are just a creepy weirdo. 

Though, In real life you don't think: that person talks too much, that person talks too much about dying in a fire too much, that person just said fuck in a baby group, that person smells like my schizophrenic uncle, that person has a REALLY long hair on their chin - why don't they plunk that shit? 

You thank the sweet baby jesus and sweet fuck that they are a creep weirdo too.  

Rad Dad: Edward III

This bad ass bitch started the 100 Year War (1337–1453)  so his 9-ish, legitimate, (exact number is a little unclear) could inherit an Empire - would your dad do that for you?

 Surprisingly he was a good husband as well, keeping in constant contact to his wife, Philippa, who he left in charge of important functions of state while he was absent, which is some far out liberal shit for the 14th century.  Well a good husband except for the affairs and multipal love children. 

Edward was an indulgent father who did stuff like give his infant (the Black Prince) an entire household, filling their medival bank accounts with HUGE sums of cash, and by showering them with fancy things like "tight hoes" (get your minds out of the gutter!) 

However it wasn't all sunshine, rainbows, and kittens in Edwards house, he also used his kids as pawns in careless rounds of dynamic political negotiations. In 1340 Edward took, what some would call "a fucking act of shocking stupidity and WTFness" announced himself King of France - so he attempted to use his children to chill those French fucks out. This was obviously shitty for his kiddies. 

Here is Horrible Histories' account of ALL the English Kings & Queen 

Macaroni Fashion: The Reason Why Yankee Doodle Stuck A Feather In His Hat

This is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine, the lyrics to Yankee Doodle go as followed: 

"Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on a pony

Stuck a feather in his hat

And called it macaroni."

However, because people are morons the lyric often gets changed to "Stuck a noodle in his hat" - They are not talking about macaroni the damn pasta assholes! They are talking about macaroni fashion. 

Macaroni style was an extreem 18th century fashion and way of life. It included outrageous clothing, wigs, excess, and speaking in an outlandishly affected and epicene manner. This very over the top fashion represented a decadence that the only rich bitches, and fancy men about town could aspire to.  

So when the song says the Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his and called in macaroni, they are saying that this dumb country bumpkin is some kind of a dufus that is trying to pull himself off as a elite fashionista by sticking a feather in his shitty hat - aint no one buyn' it. 

The macaroni crazy was stomped on by the party poopers of the French Revolution- those assholes didn't know how to party. 

Approximately 2.8 million Watched an Obese Child Be Passively Abused On TV Last Night

(via Entertainment Weekly
I haven't been lucky enough to watch a full episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but I think this picture pretty much some that shit right up. 

I am a connoisseurs of shitty TV, however I draw the line of reality child abuse. I would put Toddlers and Tiaras and spin off show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo into that catagory. I am shocked that this is aloud to be shown on Dutch TV - if you dress a toddler up as a hooker or a Bay Watch babe, and get it to dance on a stage for money - how that is not classified as child pornography? Also when a child is as obese as Honey Boo Boo, it is a fine line between a thyroid issue and Mountain Dew in a baby bottle. I mean obesity is just as bad for your heart as smoking, but if i give my kids a cigarette people will get-up all i my grill, but if this lady gives her kid a cheese burger wrapped in bacon, we call it keeping it real. 

Any ways last nights season final was watched by 2.8 million people. Here is what a rep for the show had to say about it: 

“HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO has become a pop culture phenomenon. What you see is what you get and we are excited to share even more of Alana and her family's unbridled hilarity, sincerity and love with our viewers.”

Yeah what you get is an obese toddler being passively abused on TV. kOOKY! 

Baby Groups Are Torture

Searching for this image was brutal - remind me never to turn into a middel eastern man and commit a political crime, or set my time time machine for the Zhou Dynasty, or Medieval Europe. Better go cleanse my soul with pictures of dogs in hot dog buns

For a lot of new parents baby groups are the only outreach to the real world, so we force ourselves to go to these tortue hell holes. Most of the time the kids don't even like them, don't touch that! Sit down! Basically what happen is a group of adults sit in a circle talking to their kids, who the have put in their sunday best, in their very best moron tone. 

"We should form a ***********Bookstore baby singing group!: - That's the kind of joke you get at these things, and oh who we all laughed at that one, we laughed like we had just seen Bill O-Reilly fall down a manhole. 

It is essentially a blind date, but instead of pimping out yourself, it's your kid.  It's all very awkward and embracing. This is what goes through my mind: 

"My singing has an uncanny similarity to a bag of drowning cats" 

"Oh please baby Jesus make it so the little shit demon from hell doesn't make an appearance" 

"Is that woman giving me a dirty look? Maybe she knows that I have a blog which is essentially just me swearing to my imaginary friends that live inside the computer"

"The way that kids is dressed makes him look like the love child of betsey johnson and David Arquette" 

"she looks cool, maybe she would want to be my friend, probably not you creepy weirdo" 

"Oh good that kids is freaking out, now when mine inevitably does that, it won't be so bad" 

Re post: If there is one thing I hate it's mommy bloggers

Here is Shirly about to really sock Levern with  bowling all. Mums lare helpful to each other like that.
For the majority of mum blogs that I have read (total two) I spend the entire time that  I am reading wondering "what gives this bitch the know how to dish out parenting advice?" If you have 4 kids, a Phd in child phycology then maybe I'm interested, if you are a proud parent of one and you want to tell me how to "Raise a Happy Child" - go fuck yourself. Seriously. I'm not sure about everyone else but a lot of the time my kids are too busy being assholes to be happy. Here's the solution: TV.

As someone that dosen't read "Mommy Blogs" (I just chucked in my mouth) I thought I had better do some research.  I found some reoccurring themes that I thought I should make-fun of. I'll start with parenting is hard work.

Lady Goo Goo Gaga writes: "But this is the kicker….nobody warns you how difficult it will be with two children." WHAT? parenting is hard work? Actually everyone told you this.  They told us in sex-ed, they told us in every single parenting magazine every to be printed, when your own parents would scream at you "what the hell is the matter with you, bum-holes are not for sharing" you probably could have guessed that parenting was a shitty job. If you haven't figured out that nonstop care for screaming, shit covered, balls of need, is a tough gig, you are a little dim witted. 

Here's something they don't tell you: once you become a parent you immediately turn into a smug, judy, know-it-all. This really came to my attention this summer while on a girls weekend (no kids!). We were all driving home, hungover happily bitiching about everyone we know,  when somehow the subject was broached about how people without kids "just don't get it, you'll understand once you have kids". What a load of self satisfied bull shit. Can you imagine if career women started freely and expectably gives us mothers advise? "So when you going to start making a little more money?" "Oh, you wouldn't understand how, you have kids". Fucking no thank you, so what gives parents the right to do this to our spinster friends - as if being labeled a spinster at 29 isn't bad enough! 

Ooops, I guess you didn't need advice about cum in you hair

Typos, Poor Speling, And Shitty Gramar, Are This Blogs Best Friends

That's the whole post - you are just lucky that I did't say "bad spelling" 

Guest Blogging: Fun For The Whole Family - The Game Of Slave!

Here is another guest blog from resident guest Dad blogger Riaz. 

Riaz:

Kids like historic role play. They play pirates, cowboys and indians, knights etc.

 Armed with this knowledge, I have introduced my son and other children in my family to a game I have simply titled, "Slave." Slave as the name suggests, involves the children pretending to be slaves. Now this may be offensive to children who come from cultures that have suffered the ill effects of slavery in the past but I would venture, no more offensive to Native Americans when children pretend to be cowboys killing Indians or to Scots when children pretend to be Vikings raping the women from villages of the Scottish coast.

Here is the beauty of the game, Slave. You, the adult, are the slave master. 

Now, bear with me before you stop reading. I know, this sounds like work because it involves you having to play along in their game. But as the slave master, you don't have to do anything. You just tell the little gamers that as your slave, they have to do the dusting, load the washing machine and mix your cocktails. You also get to raise your voice at them and crack your belt on the floor a few times to keep them in the character of the game. They will also attempt to run away as did real slaves in the past. Here is the part of the game where you release your hounds on them - children love animals. If you have a child slightly older than the rest, you can also make that one an overseer so you don't even have to interrupt your relaxation time to crack your belt. Also, when Child Services drops by unexpectedly, you have an excuse as to why your offspring are in chains and shackles.

Me: To further on the topic of not making light of the subject of slavery here is an acedemic essay I have wrote on the emancipation of slaves in the New World - slavery is for asshole, not not the hippster asshole we all are. Read more after the jump - with references and all that fancy junk (click "read more below") 

Quotes On Parenting And Children

I once read a quote about how stupid people should read books on quotes, so, as a stupid person that is something that I do. Actually I am so stupid that I can't remember the quote or who wrote it, or even close enough for it to show up in a Google search. 

Here is a list of funny parenting/children quotes I compiled. This isn't some list I found on the internet, I actually just typed this shit up, though there are probably thousands of lists better than this one all over the interent - "when you have writers block steal other people's work" - Me, just right now. 

"There is no such thing as a tough child - if you you parboil them for 7 hours, they always come out tender" 

-W.C Fields 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling her a mother fucker" 

-Jack Nicholson 

"There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you" 

- Peter Dr Vries 

"If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either"

- Dick Cavett 

"My father had a profound influence one me, he was a lunatic" 

-Spike Mulligan 

"I don't dislike babies, though I think the young ones rather disgusting" 

-Queen Victoria 

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one" 

-Leo J. Burke

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance" 

-Franklin P. Jones

"Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster too" 

-Lionel Kaufman 

Russia Has Some Tough Bitches with 69 Children And Stuff Like That

Possibly when you think of tough Russians you think of Vladimir Putin, Stalin, or Siegfried and Roy's siberian Tigers. Russian women are tough bitches too.  

You may think that the lady down the road has a lot of kids with 4 or 5, that lady has got nothing on world record holder for most children with a grand WHOOPING 69 children.

Some guy named Vassilyev and his first wife, name unknown, mother are so selfless like that, hold the record for most children. This baby popping saint gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1764; 67 of the 69 children born are said to have survived infancy. Holy shit! 

Pregnancy and birth is fucking bad enough in the 21st century, in the  16th century having 1 child was almost a guarantee of death. And how on Earth did these people pay for this? Unfortunately for them reality TV hadn't been invented yet, so that wasn't an option. 

Another indication the Russians are tough bitches is that Russia has just over taken New Zealand as this shitty blogs 6th biggest demographic, you bitches can read the shit that falls out of my mouth and gets typed up on your computer screens and not instantly have to to an eyeball shot it cleanse yourselves. Actually you jerks probably do that any ways, just for shits and giggles. 

Reese Witherspoon Markets Her Baby As A New Brand Of Burbon

How many people, I say people, I mean men, do you think have photoshopped that picture to have their penis right where it looks like a penis should be?

So Reese Witherspoon delivered a baby today after what seems like a 10 minute long pregnancy, this bitch certainly doesn't know who to milk a pregnancy. Jessica Simpson somehow managed to stay pregnant longer than an elephant just so people would talk about it longer. Not Reese, she's too classy for that shit. 

We all know that celebrities are no good at naming humans, however, after successfully naming 2 children before this baby, names that don't sound like 1980's cartoon characters, a new line of kitchen-wear from IKEA, or a Fred Penner song (Ava and Deacon), I was kind of expecting the same for this new baby friend.

Instead Reece is getting on top of things by marketing her baby as a new brad of burbon by naming him: TENNESSEE JAMES TOTH 

My Delivery Story Is Better Than Yours!

Being a parent is a competitive game that starts right from the moment you shoot a baby from your cooter. 

New mum's love nothing better than to tell you, in great detail, their delivery story. I am pretty sure of everyone I know I have been the absolute worst for doing this. What makes mum's think that everyone wants to hear about how little bobby ripped you a new asshole- literally? I don't know, but I sure wanted to tell everyone. Maybe it's because delivery is not what you are expecting, you think it will hurt, it does, but I was expecting worse. It's fucking real messy and stinky, nonetheless it is a a woman's wars story. 

Have you ever heard 2 new mum's having a conversation about their delivery stories?

"I pushed for 2 hours" 

"Well I had 14 stitches" 

"The placenta got stuck, and they had to go back up there and reach it out, but the medical equipment had been contaminated, so they had to use an umbrella,  but they opened it by mistake while it was up there" 

Here is Maurella from True Blood showing us mortals how this shit should be done. 

  

Glorifying Teenage Pregnancy

Not all teenage mother's are morons, well not total morons any ways, a lot really make it work and turn out to be great parents, people, and contributing members of society. I'm not talking about then, that would be boring. I'm talking about the assholes that do Teen Mom & 16 and Pregnant, you know the ones that do it to like to raise awareness of teenager pregnancy to other teenager and stuff, not at all for the fame, glory, and instant pay check. 

I some how managed to fit in a few episodes (10) of 16 and Pregnant into my busy schedule last night, what I found to be the most overwhelming shit wave of idiocy was this attitude all these dumb bitched have that they are somehow too classy for secondhand anything. Too classy for a hand-me-down, but getting fingered by your boyfriend at the school disco, WHILE PREGNANT, totally OK. 
This bitches are in for a real wide awakening when they realises that getting knocked up as a teenager means good bye to new stuff for the next 18 years, unless you do something smart like catch a rich sugar daddy or go on a crazy bath salts bendar and sell your story to People Magazine. 

Another moron thing these girls do is not breast-feed - it's fucking FREE! Again, breast-feeding is totally embarrassing and  something that total scrubbers do, in their deluded minds. They want embarrassing? Just wait until their teenage boyfriends witness them taking a shit on a baby's head durring labour! 

Teenagers have natural handicaps of being lazy fucks, these jerks like to sleep until 3pm on a regular basis, so being a parent  is extra crappy when you are a teenagers. These stupid shows do nothing by glorifie teenage pregnancy. If they really wanted to raise awareness they would measure there girl's cootchie hole before and after labour and end each episode with the girls boyfriend says: "it's like throwing a banan down Oxford street".

Scummy Mummy: Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria makes the Scummy Mummy list for making it en vogue to have 9 children in Victorian England.

In a time when women had lots of babies any ways due to them being hungry sluts and no widespread birth-control, women did not need some rich bitch telling them: “Go have 9 kids you lazy fucks – My Empire depends on you!”

Child-bearing was a hazardous job with out pay. Some of the side effects included: saggy cootch, a great big gunt, cracked nipples, and death. So these Victorian bitches did not need encouragement to poop out kids. Most of these kids ended up down a mine or up a chimney any ways. Now I have a mental image of a woman pooping out a baby directly up a chimney, while Dick Van Dyke midwives. Victorian women needed 9 children like they needed am ash trey on a motor bike. 

Here what Queen Vicky had to say about babies:

“I don’t dislike babies, though I think the very young ones rather disgusting”. Well Vicky you are right about that.

Guest Blogger: 94 year-old Francis Ulma talks about life with her grandson and her "wretched old turtle dick husband," Wilfred

Me: Francis is an 94 year old (I'm not sure how she is actually, so I though I would be kind and say 94) bat, so we will forgive her for the shitty pixelated picture she sent to go with her blog post. She comes from an age when people though the little light demon inside the camera would steal her sole, so I'll let it slide. 

Francis:

Hi internet dearies!! 

Ooh its so much fun getting back in the computer for the internet. My sweet grandson told me about this web page that talks about being a mommy. And boy hot tits am I good at being a Mommy!!! I’ve raised my grandson since he was three little years old! Now he’s big and strong and lots of girls and guys like him. He goes downtown to a gym that also has a car wash so lots of those little strange looking boys hose down and wax his truck while he pumps some men at the gym. 

I also raised his dad but he is a piece of shit. He moveds away to Oklabama or somewhere. So now its just my grandson and my wretched old turtle dick husband Wilfred!! By lordy is he a bitch in the ass!! 

The other day I walked over to the nice neighbors house to see if they had any yeast cream and what do you know Wilfred is out in their backyard rubbing his crotch all over their dog!! It’s a really nice big dog they have. Hes old and just lays around a lot. I just am so danged mad you know I lay my hairy ass in the bed and dickbutt Wilfred doesn’t even touch it!! He just falls asleep in the toilet playing with his taint hairs and mafferbating to the Field and Stream magazines. That old mummy turd is gonna find himself with no sexy wife if he keeps pushing that shit!!

But oh gosh, I got so off topic! You’ll have to excuse me! I was eating some of that nice cottage cheese from the container and it accidentally spilt down my saggy bitties. They hand down to the bottom of my fupa now so I just used my panties to wipe the cheese off my nipples. 

Anyway, I wanted to share with you internet dearies how to take care of a bitchy shit kid. Sometimes my ass Wilfred just wants to drag himself around the kitchen and ruin the whole place! One day I found him trying to put his little useless winky into the bowl of bacon grease. I slammed the dang nabbed refridgerator door on his and he fell over and knocked over all of the corned beef hash. He is such a rude old fuckin! So what I do is when I want him to spleep and be good I give him a bottle of queef juice. That’s right it works wonders!! I just squat over a big plastic bucket we found down at the Homo Depot and spray away. Then I scoop the juice into a cup and drown that old bitch bastard with it. Shuts him right the heck up. Works every time! 

The other week I caught him out in the front yard peeing all over the newspaper. Good things I just watch the porn on the internet but newspaper are still handy to keep around the house. And old Wilfred horse ass just pissed it all to death! 

The other day I told my dear grandson to just take Wilfred to the Chinese buffet across town and leave him in the corner booth until someone took him home. He didn’t want to do it because he had some jock straps to do at the nice gym but maybe next time. 

My grandson is so sweet, I’m tryings to get him to get me a date with one of the nice sweet sexy booby ladies down from the gym. I gave him a picture of me to show them last year but I haven’t heard anything yet. I sure could go for some sweet young fisting action!!

Anyway I’ve got to go, internet dearies. I’ve got to get my colostomy bag changed before I make roast stuffed dick for dinner. Have a happy day ya’ll!!!

Blesses!!
-F U

Me: Thanks for the insights only age can give, you are more than welcome to come guest blog whenever you like. My fupa doors are always open for you.