Open letter To New Parents - Other People Are Lying Jerks

This letter is addressed to anyone who feels disconcerted about their own child due to the heroic stories other parents tell about their kids.

I don't know what it is about some parents that feel the need to express things that are so obvioulsy not true about their kids - you should be happy having a baby that does stupid baby stuff like have a bottle and shit their pants - that stuff doesn't last forever so you should cherish it. Save the rest of us the tortortue of your fake baby genius story - we know you are full of shit and don't appreciate your attempt to make us feel like our own babies are infior to yours. 


So here is a de-coding of some the most common absolute lies told by parents to make themselves feel better and you feel worse brags people tell about their kids. 

This list gets progressively shitter to coincide with the progressively drunker I get. 

"My kid, who is under two, is potty training! 

What they actually mean is that their kid peed in a bowl on the floor, not that they are actually potty training and that a future of no diapers is in the near future. That happen at around three - if yo have a boy, you are just basically fucked and that little shit will pee directly beside the toilet for his whole life. 


"My 1.5 year old can count!" 

No it can't (for most people). What it can do is if you say "ONE!", say "TWO!" - that is not knowing numbers or the use of numbers. 

"My kid never has tantrums" 

Well, they only people who have said this to me have adult children, and I have seen those children as adults have tuntrums. 

"My kid will eat anything" 

What they actually mean is: I know what my kid will eat so only give him/her those options.