Guest Blogger: Eartha Reminds Us That Men Are Scum & A Lot Of Women Too

Once upon a time in a place called Cloud Cuckoo Land there lived a really dumb bitch named Eartha.

Eartha had what she naively referred to as "faith in her fellow human beings" and actually **guffaws** thought that "not being the jealous type" was a positive personality trait. It was certainly one she possessed in spades. Indeed Eartha possessed this trait to such an absurdly ridiculous degree that she didn't see what was she later discovered was a self evident fact to almost every adult - and a number of the children - by whom she was surrounded.

But none of the bastards ever thought to tell her.

Now, our story actually begins some 20 years ago, when two young feral hippie type women met whilst travelling around Australia by thumb. Though outwardly very different, they quickly found in one another a kindred spirit. They were both high spirited (and often just plain high) idealistic and environmentally aware young women. Hell, they knew what an ozone layer was before politicians discovered it.

Though one was athletic and the other more of an intellectual, they shared a love of the important things in life: Of nature, Terry Pratchett novels, adventure travel, diverse peoples and outdoor dance parties. They were so close that people often said how envious they were of a friendship which could be so lasting and so mutually beneficial. In fact a few years after they left Uni, Eartha's friend introduced her to the man she would marry. He was the best friend of the man her friend had chosen to marry up with. Fairytale stuff, innit?

It had seemed serendipitous that they ought to have done that. Made that perfect foursome...the two couples who could get along so swimmingly. They had children at approximately the same times. So the four kids grew up thinking of one another as akin to siblings, though happily, ones with whom they rarely fought.

It was so lovely that at times Eartha felt she ought to pinch herself to make sure it was not a dream. Life was perfect. So perfect it hardly seemed possible that it was real. (At this point one might pause to enquire if the Dear Reader is familiar with the terms "Situational irony" "hoist on one's own petard" and "Dozey Cow". But I am getting ahead of my story)

And so Eartha's husband, who was himself of an active, sporty, outdoorsy type and Eartha's best friend got along famously. This was considered to be a "good thing" by both Eartha and the friend's often working out of town husband, as it gave their beloved ones someone to go off and do the abseiling, rock climbing, cave exploring type stuff of which they were both so fond. Eartha considered it no trouble at all to look after all four kids for one or two and occasionally even three weekends a month while the two of them went off to the kinds of camping holidays which entail carrying one's own drinking water in and human waste out. Over mountain tracks. Eartha loved nature, but she didn't need to get right up in its face like that in order to fully appreciate it. A tent site with a long drop toilet and a shop that sold ice and bread within an hour's drive was "away from it all" enough for her. Esp with the wee bairns to think of.

Now the Dear Reader I am certain, being without doubt a lot quicker on the uptake than Eartha ever was, is beginning to get an inkling of what may have been afoot while this pair of intrepid trekkers were away. But not our girl. Though she knew that as time went on her marriage was increasingly rocky, still she never for a moment thought that her dearest, oldest, most trusted friend may have been in any way responsible for or involved in that. In fact, Eartha, whom many by now I am sure are beginning to suspect might be something of a retard, increasingly confided her fears and unhappiness , her innermost thoughts and hurts and even her growing consideration of the dreaded D word to said BFF.

Sisterhood is powerful. Her friend's advice was sought and yes, assiduously followed in many instances. Specifically she heeded the sage counsel to "not confront him directly" and to "Give him some more space and time away." She knew him so well and for so much longer than had Eartha ...why the advice must be sound and coming as it surely did from a place of love and well wishing for Eartha herself, it was prized - nay even clung to.

Do feel free to weapons grade facepalm at any point of this tale btw. Headdesk too if you like. Snigger. Say "Cor blimey" and call her a blind fool. Lawd knows Eartha won't be offended. She's too thick to ken you're at it (like rabbits if you're anything like that pair of faithless arswipes... but again I digress).

In the fullness of time a saddened best friend came to Eartha and told her that her own marriage was dissolving. Oh how sad. How terribly terribly sad. What a painful time this must be for Eartha's best friend. "Why here; let me take your kids for two days during the week so that you might go off and do yoga classes and have long lunches with interesting people and do art courses people to make yourself all happy and shiny again. And by all means feel free to take my hubby off trekking when the mood strikes you. For I feel so guilty and selfish, having bent your ear about my own marital woes when you had your own and so bravely held them close, for fear of bothering me, or dividing my loyalties" she said to the long, dearly beloved friend.

And then one day two years after the dissolution of her friend's marriage, Eartha arrived home from work to find her hubby sitting in the lounge with two very subdued kiddies and heard him calmly announce:

"I've just been telling the kids I will be moving out this weekend. The kids seem quite happy about that."

Well the marriage had been not good for some time and quite frankly the kids werent the only ones looking forward to a lot less running about trying to make sure every little thing that annoyed him was put right before he got in the door each day, for fear of his raging and sulking and flouncing. But still and all it was a bit of a shock. Especially that he had felt it appropriate to tell the children before telling ehr and without her being there either. Odd, but in the shock of it all, that was just something to be all Scarlett O'Hara like over and think about later. and

Eartha, a romantic type at heart, was saddened to think that her fairytale was ending this way. But nonetheless determined that though the relationship had failed, the divorce ought to be a civilised, amenable and oh so very modern success. Think of the children. They love both parents and have the right to do so without being put in the middle of a grown-ups slanging match.

She did over the course of the next few days make numerous attempts to call her best friend, but she must have been VERY busty, for her phone was never answered. Pity as that was the only shoulder she felt she might feel at ease crying on - and so she soldiered on alone.

The weekend came and the husband moved. Eartha, or "The Doormat at No 34" as I have come to think of her in the past two years, actually washed and ironed and folded many of his things. She selected one of the best cases for him to pack them in and very carefully divided up things like the wedding linen fairly and evenly, though most of it had been given by her family and friends (his being far wealthier but renowned skin flints) , it had been given to both of them - and so his half was to go with him. He could not live like a tramp...that was not fair!

The week seemed to fly by after he moved out and her friend was still not answering her phone, but with many things to see to, Eartha put thoughts of seeking comfort aside and went along doing the practical bits of being a suddenly single mum. Childminding arrangements, extra shifts at work to cover the shortfall in cash; getting kids to karate without a car and the like.

The next weekend the kiddies went off to see daddy. Ostensibly at his sisters house to whence he had announced he was decamping. They were unusually subdued upon their return but that was only to be expected.Her daughter indeed asked several times "Has dad rung you? He said he was going to"

But he had never been a great talker so Eartha just said "I expect he will when he's ready."

Then the following Friday the phone rang and it was the husband. "Oh hello" said eartha pleasantly. "You dont want the kids this weekend do you? I had planned to take them...."

"Oh I just want to talk to the kids" he said and so she handed the phone over. he had sounded odd. But then he had sounded odd for a few years hadnt he?

She could hear her daughter "No. I didn't say anything" "No I think you should tell her" The child was 11 years old at the time and looking at her mother like...well like no 11 year old should have to look. Pity I think is the best word for it. Though it came from a softer hearted place than that. Empathy fits better perhaps.

And so eartha takes the phone and says "What is it you need to tell me. She seems to think there's something to be said"

And he says in a very matter of fact tone.

"Well you know that your best friend abnd I have always been very close" And .....you know when that penny drops, like the head of a bronze statue and hits you right fair in the chest?

yeah - that.

"Oh really?" says Eartha. "Well yes but I haven't been able to speak to her since just before you left - so you've told her have you?"

"Well it's like this" he says. "I like her. And she likes me. And we have been talking and we are going to be having a relationship. But there's no need for that to make anything difficult is there? You and I had good times and now it's over and she and I are together and we're very much in love. So that's all I wanted to say"

And Eartha to her eternal credit, whilst a sobbing harpy was shrieking inside her head "I will beat you to death with that traitorous slut I was fool enough to call my friend" simply said very quietly
Yes. Yes of course. You've already got so much in common - laughing it up at me for a start"

And just as quietly, hung up the phone.

When she turned back round both of her children were looking at her. Both crying quietly and the boy, 13 said "I have known for so long mum. But I couldn't tell you. I couldn't say the words. But it's why I never liked her for ages .You always used to ask and I just used to say "I don't know". Cosmo told me the Christmas before last. He said dad was always there when we thought they were camping and he slept in her room. But neither of us knew how to tell you."

Cosmo is her eldest son. A lovely child.

Must take after his father.

So as our story ends we see Eartha. Older and wiser and not nearly as filled with "faith in human nature" any more. But still, when reflecting upon the two of them, each now living with a faithless, traitorous, immoral arsewipe, wonders which of them will betray the other first and she does often find herself thinking..."what does it matter. It couldn't have happened to two nastier bastards. They deserve one another and I am well shot of them both."

So in a strangely unexpected kind of way her fairytale did have a happy ending. Primarily due to this one simple fact. Her kids are so bloody awesome; so sensitive and sensible. So able to talk through their feelings about it all with her - that it hardly seems to have fucked them up at all. And at almost 16 and almost 14 they are not acting out or taking drugs or running the streets or skipping school.

They don't ring or see their dad much and when he calls them or very very occasionally bothers to see them, they seem kind of thoroughly underwhelmed by the experience....but that's sort of to be expected really. Under the circumstances.

Innit?