Celebrity Bitch: Aphrodite

Aphrodite is the goddess of love, which is weird because she is much a mega bitch and hater of all women everywhere, unless you are slut, she LOVES sluts. 

There are different myths regarding her birth, though I think (and I am a totally drunk lush reliable legitimate source) the most plausible one is that she is the daughter of Uranus because she is such an asshole. That dinner time story goes that Cronos cut of Uranus' balls and peen which feel into the sea and BAM Aphrodite was born. Charming. 

Like all the Greek gods and goddess Aphrodite was a total hot slut. Though she was married to Hephaestus (who that fuck is that guy?) she had the hots for Olympian bad-ass, all round not-so-nice guy Aries  who she bore two sprogs by, Eros (that's cupid to you low brow scum) and Anteros (literaly love returned), Deimos (death) and Phobos (fear) - these two sound like a real barrel of laughs and Harmonia (harmony) and maybe Priapus (some minor fertility goddess that no one real gives a shit about) - bitch has too many kids to keep exact account. 
She also rubbed uglies with Adonis and Anchises and a bunch of other dudes that no one ever heard of. 

Aphrodite is famous as being a total psycho bitch with a bad case of the total FEAK THE FUCK OUTS. Usually as a result of some dumb jerk mortal man finding someone more attractive than her or for refusing to be a total slut, like Hippolytus (this is where your Google skills will come in handy). 

However, she did punish women for not bowing down to her hungry crotch too, for example she turned her rage on the women of Lemmons by making them smell so funky that their husbands refused to hump on their junk. 

Seriously though pretty people are cunts. 

While searching for an image for this classy post I came a cross this DIY Aphrodite picture. This is the shit that Lindsay LoBlohan and Terry Richardson could only dream queef about.