Guest Blogger Rad Dad Riaz: The phenomenon of testicle thuggery

My balls have been hurting a lot lately. At first I thought it was due to some exotic disease or testicular cancer. They never bothered me before and I have mostly ignored them all my life, in much the same way every good parent focuses their attention away from the bad seeds and on the favourite child.

 It was unceremoniously brought to my attention when, holding my infant son on my chest while laying in bed, the little bastard attempted to escape by throwing his hips and legs up into the air unexpectedly and violently. His heel came down on my groin. This milestone gave me cause to start to pay more attention to my scrotum . I noticed that I would be hit in that region every time I played with my son.


I started to do some more research by watching America's Funniest Home Videos and saw that this phenomenon of testicle thuggery was not unique to my situation.

Fathers all over the world suffered a similar conundrum. I decided further investigation was warranted so I turned to Sir David Attenborough and learnt how he explained how in many bird species, quite often, the first offspring to hatch would commit infanticide on its younger relatives from the clutch as the ultimate means of sibling rivalry in a competition for resources from the parents and room in the nest. 

My hypothesis is that humans have also evolved a similar mechanism by which they ensure their survival in the family unit. The live-born offspring will attempt to snuff out any chances of more competition arriving by destroying the father's ability to produce life giving semen. This will make that child the sole recipient of the affection and resources of the parents.

Part of the world population problem we have today is due in part to the breakdown of the traditional family unit. Since many fathers have the fuck and flea mentality and do not care for (or in some cases are unaware of) their offspring, they are nowhere near by the time the infant children are old enough to launch an sack attack.

Ironically, or by pure natural selection, most children begin kicking, punching and head butting at man-stones around the time the mother begins to become fertile once again.

I do not believe there is any way a father can avoid this as it is natural as is the urge to eat or breath oxygen. Perhaps with time, natural selection would favour fathers with reflexes fast enough to block their cocks from baby kicks.