Things That Look Like Jesus

This post isn't meant to be offensive, Jesus works in mysterious way and here are just someone of them. I like a guy that relates to the people and some dog butts. 

This Dog's butt

The mold on this skanky teenager's bath tub 

Hello Jesus in the sky!

He is even showing up as his botched up version 

Here's another botch - Actually this is the true version of light and love..."anyone want a peanut?" - if you don't get it...you're on the wrong site. 

Christian (name no coincidence) Bale 

Jesus in a Apprentice rejects frying pan 

And my Dad if Jesus had made it to 65.....I totally am not an ego manica! 

Christmas Craft Ideas

Here's some shit I knocked out over the holiday season 

Some Popsicle Christmas trees 

Some Popsicle snowflakes 

Glittered the shit out of some pinecones and sticks 

Boats 

Cookie trees decorated by kids - burnt by me

Wine box lantern 

Mince pies with shapes on top 

How To Freak Out Your Neighbors: Send Them Happy Messages On Their Wireless Printers

We discovered that one of our neighbors has a wireless printer so sent the above picture as a message. This is something I strongly suggest more people should be doing.

I settled on Ken Barlow, however it was a tough choice between Ken and Murphy Brown . Make sure to not be too creepy and risk the chance of being arrested - being arrested is the total pits.

Fuck work, kids, and life, Imma gonna spend the rest of my days roaming the streets looking for people with wireless printers.

History Of New Year Resolutions

Well if you are anything like me you assumed that the New Year resolution originated with the mother of all hangovers  "I AINT NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!"  - well it didn't. 

New Year's Day merrymaking began in Babylonia in March but was changed to January by the Romans - don't ask me why, prolly just for shits and giggles. However, this is where the New Year resolution was birthed. January is named after Janus, a two headed god who looked backwards into the "WTF was I thinking" years and into the "I am totally going to get skinny, stop drinking, and maybe take an art class" future years. 

So this god's atributes were adopted to the new year - durring the Republic the Romans tended to stick to pretty dull moral favors like: be good to others and that kind of thing - then shit got REAL boring when the Roman Empire adopted Christianity, moral intentions were replaced with fasting and prayer. But just when you though that this post was getting dull something called the  Feast of the Circumcision was adopted for the 1st of January.

Yeah you read that right (and I typed it right - which will be even more amazing to you if you read this blog regularly) :  Feast of the Circumcision. This is when Christians gathered round and had a big feast in celebration of the chopped off foreskin of JesusHChrist - too many dick munching jokes to compute!. Oddly enough this event became popular for all - not just Christians and replaced the worship of Janus. 

From there resolutions where ignored until as recent as the 17th century when Puritans went as far as to ban the word "January", preferring it to be called "the first month". However the Puritans also urged each other to reflect on the past and the future durring this time of year. Go figure.  These were enumerated as commitments to better employ their talents, treat their neighbors with charity, and avoid their habitual sins - which I assume lead to a lot of Puritans putting on the Carpenters, running a hot bath, and sharing that bath with an electrical appliance. 

American theologian Jonathan Edwards is widely credited with bring back the New Year resolution, however he didn't make his choices half cut on New Years Eve like the rest of us, he spend 2 years working on 70 vices he wanted to cut from his life. Some people are just over achievers. 

5 False Myths About Christmas

I started this post with the intention of doing 10 myths, but them experienced the bedtime from Hell , which resulted in me screaming about smelly old beats in stockig etc.. you know the drill. Any ways that kind of thing leads to wine and wine leads to me being a lazy jerk. So here are 5: 

1. Coca Cola gave Santa a make-over

Actually the colours are widely though to originate with the original Santa - St Nicholas, a Bishop of Myra (Turkey) in the 4th Century.  Red and white were the hues of traditional bishop robes, although some jerky historians argue that he originally dressed in different colours just to mess things up for me and the purpose of this blog post. 

2. Atheist / Muslim / Gay agenda of war on Christmas 

Where? If I look outside my window it looks like a elf barfed all over Amsterdam - home of the Devil and quite a lot of gay Atheist homos (no commas not a typo).My TV is full of Christmas shows, my calender is full of Christmas events.. and I FUCKING LOVE IT!

 As John Stewart explained: "Christmas belongs to all of us because all of us can find something in it to be angry about."  

3. Christmas is a happy time of year

Nope. According to a recent study of FaceBook statuses, two weeks before Christmas is the most common time to get dumped. Christmas is a real popular time of year to top yourself too. 

4. Santa's helpers are elves/ chimney sweeps

Sorry but (originally and still in the Low Countries) Santa's "helper" is a Moor slave - a child slave. Charming. How do you think Santa makes all those toys and gets so much shit done if isn't from a combination of slavery and chid labour? 

5. Christmas is the biggest and the best holiday on Jesus calendar 

Easter, the day on which Christians believe Jewish zombie JesusHChrist rose from the dead, has more religious significance than does Dec. 25 - which is a kind of makey-up-day. 

So it seems that Christmas' huge popularity has a lot to do with the fabulous atheists, gays and everyone else who like getting drunk durring the day, tinsel, and fat men - further proof that this War on Christmas is a load of frog balls. 

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Guest Blogger Dania On Step Kids, Ruined Marriages And Buttseck

The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the rate for first ones. Don’t ask for percentages or references because I don’t have time to look that shit up. I read it somewhere on the internet ok? You guys are lucky that I took the time to write this informative little piece in the hopes of helping some unfortunate soul from making the same mistakes I did.

Why, you ask, do more second marriages fail? It’s not money or sex. We have our shit together by the time we take a second trip down the aisle. We expect a pre-nup and we don’t care if our husbands bang the secretary…that bitch can go down on him like nobody’s business and we don’t care. That leaves us more time with Fernando, the pool boy, who unlike our husbands, is hot and does that thing with his tongue that we like. No, it’s the kids. Or as I like to refer to them: the baggage.

I used to love traveling - as a matter of fact that’s one of the reasons I married my husband. Well, I mean I married him for his money of course, but that meant I could spend it traveling but then airlines started charging baggage fees - outrageous fees.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind spending my husband’s money hand over fist. What I do mind is having to pay for something that should be included.

And that brings us to the step-kids…the baggage fee of second marriages. And why most second marriages are doomed.  Somebody has got to take them.  Personally I don’t get it. There are 6 year olds in China holding down full time jobs in sneaker factories so why couldn’t my husband’s kids get a job instead of going to elementary school? Why do I have to pay for his mistake of not pulling out?

It’s not that I don’t like kids – they can be useful (see the aforementioned sneaker factory), plus if you put Swiffer pads on an infant who is learning to crawl it can clean the entire floor in less than a day. But I digress.  No, the reason step-kids ruin marriage is because they are a constant reminder.  I do not want to be reminded that my husband was once married to someone else, and no, I’m not jealous, but I do not want to be reminded of how many times I had to take it in the ass in order to steal my husband away from his former wife.  Not just take it in the ass, but pretend to fucking love it, which is why I started drinking and that reminds me, I’ve been typing for 5 minutes and haven’t had a sip of my martini. Hold on a sec, I’ll be right back.

 

Oh wow, I forgot I started writing this thing. Sorry, the past 2 days are kind of blurry. Now then, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, step-kids and why they ruin a marriage.  Holidays; that’s another reason the little bastards doom it. Every Christmas it’s that same thing: constantly whining about coming home and spending time with us…I mean seriously, the ungrateful bastards do not appreciate how much of their father’s money I spend so that they can go to a lovely boarding school in Switzerland.  I don’t want them running around and distracting me from my private one-on-one ski lessons in Aspen with my new friend, Hans.  It’s hard enough explaining the hours I spend every day with Hans to my husband. Apparently he thinks after a week I should know how to ski, or at least have bought a pair of skis, whatever.

 

Just now the oldest messaged me again and asked for the fifth time this week to please come home. I told him to go spend the holidays with his sister, what’s her name, the short ugly redhead.  He said something about not having a sister. Now that I think about it, he may be right. We did have a Pomeranian. That’s probably it. No wonder I always liked that one the best.

Anyway, Fernando is here and I need him to, um, work on something.  Learn from my mistakes and make sure you move immediately after sending the step-kids away to school and remember to change your phone number.  Also, I hear there are openings in the new Nike factory in Szechung. 

-Dania 

The End Is Nigh! What's The Dilly With The Maya And The End Of The World?

As if this whole Mayan apocalypse business wasn't annoying enough, some jerk has made a meme that has been walking the FaceBook hoe stroll to none stop "thumbs-up" - this tid bit of moronity states: 

"So the Mayans predicted the Apocalypse...Sure didn't see the Spanish coming". 

Well fucktard they sure did, and that was a large portion to the shit pie that caused the Mayan civilization to be destroyed. Actually part of the Mayan mythology was that ancestral god like beings would return in a pre-ordained bloody conquest (the Inca's had a very similar beliefe) - which mean that these poor jerks didn't know whether to repel or welcome the Spanish. Well shit Sheila!

Any ways the rest of this post will be dedicated to why we think that Mayans predicted an apocalypse, and clear up all the mess regarding calendars and whatever it is people WRITE ABOUT IN CAPS ON FACEBOOK. 

(Via BBC History Mag December 2012). 

Ipsos conducted a poll this year which found that 10% of the population is too dumb to function in day-to-day life by believing that the world is going to either come to a complet end in a shower of brimstone and fire, or a New-Age style global transfermation is going hit us right in the jerk hole. 

So lets start at the beginning: Who were the Mayans?  BBC is quick to point out we should ask: Who ARE the Mayans - as there are several million Mayans walking around today doing normal shit like not predicting the end of the world as we know it and mostly just praisen' Jesus like the rest of South America. 

The Mayan civilization dates back to about 2000 BCE, by about 300 BCE they had become what people today tend to think of when they think of Mayan - However this civilization didn't just disappear, as Hollywood has us believe. From about 900 AD the Mayans went into decline, likely due to local disputes. Then Europe came and shit got real bad.     

What's the dilly with 2012 Mayan dudes? The Mayans had several different calendars based around agriculture cycles but also what is know as the "Long Count Calendar" (5,126 of our modern years - remember these year we use now are relatively modern  ).  So as some of you smart classy bitches have figured out - 2012 is when that Long Count Calendar runs out  (YOU: "what about leap years? ME: Who knows, it's all bullshit any ways).

However, this calendar was likely created about 2000 years ago - not 5,126, so there is some evidence of what happened the last time the clock was re-sett - fuck all, that's what happened. The Mayan's built a few statues, but as professor Hammond (Boston University) says "not many". In fact there is no evidence at all that suggests that the Mayan gave two shits about the last re-sett and even less about 2012.  

So why is my damn Facebook feed full of crap about this? Well doomsday visions are a pretty Old World kind of a thing - Christians LOVE doomsday. Exhibit A: the Bible, Exhibit B: William Miller , Exhibit C: They year 2000 - so it kind of looks like this whole mess got started from the Western World fixation and tradition with the end of the world. Factors such as the technological advancement of the Mayans compared to other indigenous people encountered by inquisidores, and this myth that the Maya civilization just vanished into magic pixie dust and unicorn glitter farts of whatever likely also helped to bring this apocalypse hoopla about too. 

So what are the Mayan people planning 21st December? "People are gearing up for this to b a great tourism moment" says Matthew Restell. 

So CHA-CHING Mayan duded.  

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Christmas Gifts For Assholes

1. Pizza Hunt Perfume. All the mem in the world should bust out there Lisa Franke stationary and write a swift thank you note to the mental gymnists over at Pizza Hunt - never again will a man have to ponder what to get the lucky lady in his life for Christmas, Birthday, Valentines Day, Steak and Blow Job Day, cos answer solved! 

2. Home Drug test. A nice way to say "you're fucked in the head - in a bad way". 

3. Why not give the gift of anorexia, by dishing out some diet pills to your loved ones?

4. How about you treat yourself to hours of laughter by giving your family, preferable small children, a dick in a box! 

5. Divorce paper. Ho-Ho-Ho Merry Christmas you fat fucking slob, I hope you burn in Hell!!!!!! 

6. The best gifts really tailor to the individual, so how about a nice new shiny gun for the bi-polars in your life?

7. Billy Corgan. I hate this cunt. 

8. A dream diary filled with your own nightly dreams that make absolutely no sense and are not funny or even remotely interesting to ANYONE ELSE. 

9. How about you make a big announcement to the whole family durring Christmas dinner, like you are the mystery Butt Stabber? 

10. A Canadian company is selling cloned samples of Justin Bieber's DNA in pendant necklaces. That sounds like a good idea? Only $120 dollars too!!

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History Of The Christmas Tree or How The Baby Jesus Stole Christmas

Way back when, before Christianity, plants, greens and trees has a special place in our early history bros and sis' hearts - especially in the dead of winter - shit was cold and gloomy and everyone was hungry, kids cried because no one had invented In The Night Garden. Well these cheery chaps hung evergreen boughs over there doors. I am inclined to believe that this was a  functioning tradition to keep the damn cold out - however some prefer the more romantic view that it was to keep witches, ghosts, evil sprites and illness monsters out. 

In the Norther hemisphere, as you smart classy bitches will know, the shortest day of the year falls on21st or 22nd of December. May ancient civilizations believed that the sun was something to worshipped - how crude! Didn't they have miniature idols made of gold and the tears of the poor? Any ways the solstice was a celebration because it meant that the days would again become longer. 

The ancient Egyptian worshiped the sun god, Ra, each solstice these funk dudes filled their homes with palm rushes, which symbolized the triumph of life over death. The Druids, Vikings, and every other pre-Christian culture you can thing of did likewise. 

Early Romans marked the solstice with a feast called the Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, go of agriculture, those bitch prolly stole that from the Greeks, the Romans loved to do that. This was also arguably the biggest celebration of the whole Roman social calendar. To mark the occasion  they decorated their homes and temples with evergreen boughs. it is hardly a coincidence that this day was adopted by Christians for their own biggest celebration of the year, the birth of JESUS H CHRIST, even though Bible historian agree that they Bible its self indicated that Jesus was prolly born in August, or November, or maybe May or April - well pretty much ANY month other than December 

The first modern Christmas tree is credited to Germany in the 16th cent, when devote Christinas brought decorated trees into their homes - your guess is as good as mine to why - Christians are cray-cray like that I guess. Some made wooden pyramids and stuck some tacky shit to those. It is widely believed that Martin Luther first added candles to a tree to recapture the glory of the night sky. 

The Pros For Fights 100 Duck Sized Horse VS Pros For Fighting 1 Horse Sized Duck

Me and the rest of the interweb were recently asked if we would rather fight 1 horse sized duck or 100 ducked sizes horses.

 I though long and hard about this, then relished in the comfort that I had this one covered in my much deliberated answer. However the internet thought otherwise and threw my answer in the trash heap of flops and FAILs that are soproliferant on the internet. So I dragged that answer, screaming and kicking, from the pits of hell and posted it here. 


100 Duck Sized Horses Pros 

Once I whoop these little fellas they will fit nicely into zip lock bags for the deep freeze 
Horses are morons 
little things are easier to squish 
I could possibly keep one, then make a Youtube channel for it and get like crazy rich and stuff 
I could enslave these little guys once I defeat them in battle and have a tiny hose army. 

One Horse Sized Duck Pros 

This **** is all kinds of scary, so deserves to die
I could make like a billion crispy duck pancakes out of that **** 
I could keep it and fly on it's back to cool places like Hogwarts or Atlantic city 
I could make a real killer pimp coat out of those feathers 

Both win - I accept your challenge and will fight both. No cons for either.

Historical Hunk With A Sword: Farm Boy Wesley - The Dread Pirate Roberts

(I am not down sizing this picture for no one) 

Though as an adult it is pretty apparent that the true Historical Hunk With A Sword is Inigo Montoya, as a naive child, Wesley was top professor wizz wizz (http://thesaurus.com/, tells me that that is another word for top dog and I'm going with it). 

Wess took on a dude called "Prince Humperdink" in the 80's - that is so hipster, he took that shit on BEFORE it was cool to humperdinks. 

Fuckit, here is Inigo stirring up all kinds of emotions from your childhood & telling you what he will do to the six fingered man.

Anyone got a penut? 
If you don't know what that means you should hop in the bath, play with the toaster and have a long hard sip of battery acid. 

Lindsay Lohan Slapped A Bitch In The Face

We should be thanking the baby Jesus for blessing the earth with walking angle Lindsay Lohan, every time she takes a step that is just God'S way of kissing the planet. Just look at this image of natural beauty! I just love a bitch with a right arm that is a spiegati noodle that has not been Photoshopped at all.

Every Lindsay mug shot is just God's way of beautifying the internet. I wake-up every morning and prey thanks that the universe had blessed our lives with TV film Liz & Dick
If only YOU could be as lucky as the fine dust of Aunty Norma C that makes its lucky way up Lindsay's hungry nostrils! If only! Then maybe YOU wouldn't be so judgmental.

Lindsay woke up today safe in the knowledge that she would win and Oscar, Tony and prolly a Nobel Peace Prize for her hard work of playing dress-up as Liz Taylor, only to find that she had smacked a bitch in the face and is heading to her second home in the slammer. 

I guess the universe got drunk last night (who didn't!) and fucked that shit up, that punch was meant for Lindsay's fug meth face.