Iron-Man 3 Review: not enough Wolverine Easter Bunny.

Iron-Man who needs him? Not me.

I went on a super hot date with a 5 year old to see Iron-Man 3 tonight. When I asked my date what he thought of the film he said: "why doesn't he do anything? The Easter Bunny had some real cool claws and can tap his foot to make a porthole to ANYWHERE`". So he may not be able to tel the diference between Hugh Jack-me-off as Wolverine or the Easter Bunny - whatever. 

 If kids (even kids who date 30 year olds) think that the Easter Bunny is more of a bad ass than you - you've got problems. Good fucking point kid. I mean seriously, the manger from Hotel Rwanda can do just as much and more - well except for becoming a medical doctor at the end. 

That may not make so much sense to any non-parents out there, but that's just too fucking bad. When they say that you just don't get it until you have kids, they aren't talking about life and shit - they are talking about this post on my shitty blog. 

Any ways. Iron-Man has never been a Magneto cool guy  - but in the third film he is like 1990's Superman lame. There are about 200 suits and Gwyneth 'Goopy" Paltrow in a sports bra. They save the president of 'Merica and a young boys dreams all in one swoop. Iron man doesn't want to me Iron Man any more because Gwyneth says that being in a band is a bad influence - oh that's real life and Chris Martin - sorry- ,Gwyneth says that being Iron Man is too dangerous and hurts their relationship. I'm getting sick reading this. I may go have a look at the last Beiber post for a little palet refreshment. We all Robert Downy JR is contractually binded to do Avengers 2. So suck it up Tony. 

Taylor Swift Makes the Worldwide Face of People Witnessing two Toddler Lesbians Making-out in $5000 Baby Gap Outfits.

Gross man. Usualy when I think of Taylor Swift the first thing that comes to my mind is luke warm cream, and maybe Anne Hathaway reading a Brontë book (doesn't matter which book or by which sister - they are all boring as, well Anne Hathaway's shit) written in Sansnormal font. Not today.

Here's Taylor giving the face of ick as she witnesses Justin Bieder sucking face with Selina Gomez. If this doesn't give you the hibbie jibbies you should call up SVU and tell them you are ready to replace Marishka Hargitay because you are made of some seriously hardcore shit. 

I don't know when or why (WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!) this picture was taken but some should be arrested for distributing child pornography. Blaaack. 

If anyone wants to give me a hard time for hating on Justin Beider, you can go jump in a lake. This guy, this guy (I use that term loosely). Here is a quote from a speech he gave while accepting some maky-up award for being a douche or whatever: 


"I'm 19 years old. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say, it should really be about the music, it should be about the craft, the craft that I'm making. This is not a gimmick. I'm an artist and I should be taken seriously, and all this other bull should not be spoken of."


Ok pal. Some hos in the audience agreed and started booing his ass. Surprisingly, the Biebs didn't puff up like a Power Puff girl on her period and threaten pull the heads off all haters Barbies dolls as his bodyguard held him from his suspenders  The Biebs just kept on spewing some ridiculous shit about how he's not a gimmick and is a true artist. 


Put on the Carpenters because I am about to have a nice warm bath with the toaster. Apparently we have to take toddlers seriously who wear sunglasses at night inside and leather jammies to award cerimonies. Someone really should have told his teenage mother about wire hangers. Too far? Maybe. Someone should tell all the adults in his life to fucking grow a pair. No. Just No. 

In Celebration of Woman's Day I Compiled Some of my Favorit Quotes on Women with Comment

I chose Medea as the picture because serioulsy this lady encompasses all that I associate with being a kick ass woman in reality - Inteligent: check. Manipulative: check. Settles for a dude below her so she can boss that asshole around: check. Totally crazy: check. Like totally, totally cray-cray: check. 

“I hate women because they always know where things are”

-       James Thurber

That’s easy, your dirty undies are right where you left them – on the kitchen floor, and that tool box is also right where you left it – on the traditional resting place of tool boxes: the mantelpiece. Men are idiots.

“I think women rule the world and that no man has ever done anything that a woman either hasn't allowed him to do or encouraged him to do.”

-Bob Dylan

Yes, you can stay – well except all the shitty stuff, that was deffo a man’s fault - war? famine? = Man . Just don’t use that whiney voice you are so fond of.  And don’t cut your hair, woman LOVE a curly mop – seriously.

“A woman, especially, if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.”

-       Jane Austin

Such a flowery asshole – don’t read these woman hating books – Heahtcliff? Seriously I would chosoe Edward Cullen over that misogynist jerk.  

“A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands.”

-Lord Byron

I can understand this quote, it’s had to be eloquent when you have a high heel right up you’re a-hole. Lobster and champagne? What about tacos and onion soup  from a straw? However, if you're cooking, I’m eating – you sexist, dick face, asshole. 

One a side note this comes to mind:

Woman: “I think I’ll have the lobster”

“Man: “well think again”

“Even when they meet in the street, women look at each other like Guelphs and Ghibellines”

-Arthur Schopenhauer

Nope, Too busy taking Jennifer Aniston’s side in the whole Bradgelina thing to know who those people are.

“ A woman is like a tea bag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is."

-       Nacy Ragan

This quote is WAY older than Nancy, typical of a woman, she stole this and tried to pass it off as her own – women a morons and have no original ideas – duh.

“Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one”

-W.C Fields

You just try and “own” a woman and see how that shit turns out – I’ll tell you: you end up paying alimony and she screws a “gay” gym instructor/baby sitter/assistant/just some guy that happened to walk by and whistle.

The Muthafuckas translation of Ovid's Pygmalion.

Ok, so as some of you may know I am a mythology major (translation: I'm a fantasist on an ego trip)  and a total asshole, so I though to myself: lets combine those two. So here is my Latin to English Translation of Ovid's  Pygmalion. It's 100% accurate and defiantly not scumbagged down. For Realz. 
I have tried (not very hard) to keep it in the original Dactylic Hexameter - pretty sure that means dyslexicShakespeare 



A sculptor notices how all  woman are like complete nag bags and total bitches and was all like "hell no". 
Pygmalion, sick of that shit, though deep and hard to himself and concluded that  ain't nobody got time for that. 

So dude created his own lady friend out of ivory (I assume that means the soap) and some other junk he had laying around, like socks and half eaten pizza pops and stuff. Let me tell you: wow, that was beauty! 

"I'll have some of that" he said and copped a good old feel. 

Pizza pop lady, ummm yeah. 

He wispered sweet nothing into that pizza pop ladies's ear, poetic sighs like " Just call me milk, I'll do your body good, I drive a Camaro,  I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock, your lucite heals are so delicate, your butt is like Pippa Middelton's after a 6 week yoga retreat ", whatever dude. 

He gave this pizza lady totally rocking gifts of shitty impersonal name brand watches and books she totally hates and or had read, maybe 50 Shade because he wanted her to get ideas in her feminist pizza head. 

"OH VENUS GRANT ME MY WISH OF TURNING THIS PIZZA POP LADIE INTO A SEXBOT!"

So luckily Venus is in town excepting an award or some shit and is all like : "sure no probs pal. I know I am usually a total asshole, well actually I still am, so here". SHEZAM. Sexbot lady at your service for you sculptor dude Pygmalion. 

The cheese melted into flesh and the flesh felt good, almost as good as pizza, but no quite, because that is obviously impossible. 

And they lived happily ever after. Well until she was all like "this is the 21st century asshole, I want flowers and a resectable job you fat slob". Then Pygmalion was totally fucked. 



(Looking back I think I may have translated pizza wrongly)

Oprah Likes A Lot Of Baby Dick On Her Face

So Oprah is a word that I have to spell backwards first before I can't comprehend the frontword spell-how. H A R P O. 

Anyways, Oprah is real vocal about how female crotch mutalation is like totally shitty and stuff but wakes up every morning and smears baby dink all over her face in the form of incredibly over priced face cream.  I asked a bunch of twinks downtown if this works and really I didn't need to know, those hard up dudes look like shit. 

This comes is the wake of Mother O doing a show in PJ durring the day capital of the world, Vancouver. Apparently their is a group of uptight ladies who don't fancy the idea of "doctors" cutting off a teeny tiny bit of their kids baby maker. Go figure. So these dink worriers have put their Sherlock caps on and noticed that H AR P O (too drunk to type forwards) has a crusade on female genital mutilation yet loves nothing better than to smear baby dick night/day cream all over her glorious face. So they are out side her  show right now protesting.

I hear you ladies who doen't want baby dick either cut off or on your face. Really when it is put like that how does? 

Whoop! Lazy Post: December Facebook Round-Up

I thought I would put this rambling of nonsense and idiocy together just to remind myself how self satisfied I am. I mean really, any jerk who has a blog must be pretty damn self satisfied, but since my posts lately have been low-brow re-writes of history I though I needed a little sumptin to remind myself that I am a total narcissistic jerk. More importantly to remind YOU that I am like totally with it and junk.

So. BOOM. Hammer Time. Whoop here it is. My top picks of my December FB posts:

"pretty sure I want to sex all over Zooey Deschanel, she's like the prettier, more lovable, funnier, wittier, more talented, richer, better dressed version of every woman I know."

"Oh Geez. Karma is a total asshole. 

Walking home tonight me and the kids spotted the last eclair in the bakery window, so snatched that shit right up. Kids went to bed forgetting all about the pastry of happiness in my bag. So like any good mother I broke out and ate the lot, safe in the knowledge those jerks were tucked up tight in their beds......to my dismay it was a whole-wheat eclair . WHY? WHY! WHY?

I blame the hippies."

"Just fucking great. My toddler is saying "mama get in, mama get in" and pointing at a laundry basket. 

Looks like I will be spending Friday night inside a laundry basket. If anyone offers me "tea" from an empty pot I am so like totally fucking out of here."

"That awful moment when you realise that "those horrifying old bags" on Sex and the City are younger than you. "

"First World problem: when you buy a cute print off some jerk on etsy and it is NOT a standard IKEA frame size...NO.........!"

"It's that time of year when my google history is filled with searches for: "online Aderall supplier", "best laxative", "foods that don't taste like sweaty camel balls that makes you loose the chunk", and every other get skinny quick scheme you can think of."

"All is well in the world: the guy who leaked naked sex shots of Scarlett Johansson just got 10 years of hard time - guy who sells guns to fucked up American kids - pat on the back 

FUCK YOU WORLD - FUCK YOU."


This post makes it seem like I love myself so much that I would take it up the butt for me - really I am just too lazy to write something original. I promise I will regret this self static-fide display of extrovertness just as much as a girl who took it up the butt once the cruel cold light of sober hits me in the jerk hole. 

Memoirs From Inside A Laundry Basket

"Is this what my life has come to?" 

That is what goes across your mind when you are sitting in a laundry basket - a full of dirty kid skid marked underpants, laundry basked, drinking "tea" from an empty pot.

But then your mind starts to wonder to all the awesome stuff your new laundry basket home should have, like wine delivery, Lenny Briscoe, and some more room to pass out in later when the wine delivery runs out....and maybe a smoking section. 

You remember how totally cool it was to build a sheet fort when you were 7? Well when you are 30 it's not such a hoot - you have to clean that shit up. It also takes all of 10 minutes to set up, not the hours of fun you remember. Kid's memories are shittier than Arnold Schwarzenegger's in Total Recall. I guess that is a good thing because they wont remember the huge ass eyelid biceps parents have from all the extree eyehole rolling we do every time our kids ask us to play spiderman and Captain America in a Lego storm or whatever practical brand of tourture your kids inflict on you. 

PS. The only morons who make sheet forts that look like the one in the image above are kidless hipster, who are either too stupid or too pretend broke to go out and do recreational soft drugs like normal teenagers. Have fun being an unemployed asshole "writer" - hey at least you can write: '"really great fort maker, as long as no kids are involved" on you CV.