Iron-Man 3 Review: not enough Wolverine Easter Bunny.

Iron-Man who needs him? Not me.

I went on a super hot date with a 5 year old to see Iron-Man 3 tonight. When I asked my date what he thought of the film he said: "why doesn't he do anything? The Easter Bunny had some real cool claws and can tap his foot to make a porthole to ANYWHERE`". So he may not be able to tel the diference between Hugh Jack-me-off as Wolverine or the Easter Bunny - whatever. 

 If kids (even kids who date 30 year olds) think that the Easter Bunny is more of a bad ass than you - you've got problems. Good fucking point kid. I mean seriously, the manger from Hotel Rwanda can do just as much and more - well except for becoming a medical doctor at the end. 

That may not make so much sense to any non-parents out there, but that's just too fucking bad. When they say that you just don't get it until you have kids, they aren't talking about life and shit - they are talking about this post on my shitty blog. 

Any ways. Iron-Man has never been a Magneto cool guy  - but in the third film he is like 1990's Superman lame. There are about 200 suits and Gwyneth 'Goopy" Paltrow in a sports bra. They save the president of 'Merica and a young boys dreams all in one swoop. Iron man doesn't want to me Iron Man any more because Gwyneth says that being in a band is a bad influence - oh that's real life and Chris Martin - sorry- ,Gwyneth says that being Iron Man is too dangerous and hurts their relationship. I'm getting sick reading this. I may go have a look at the last Beiber post for a little palet refreshment. We all Robert Downy JR is contractually binded to do Avengers 2. So suck it up Tony. 

Taylor Swift Makes the Worldwide Face of People Witnessing two Toddler Lesbians Making-out in $5000 Baby Gap Outfits.

Gross man. Usualy when I think of Taylor Swift the first thing that comes to my mind is luke warm cream, and maybe Anne Hathaway reading a Brontë book (doesn't matter which book or by which sister - they are all boring as, well Anne Hathaway's shit) written in Sansnormal font. Not today.

Here's Taylor giving the face of ick as she witnesses Justin Bieder sucking face with Selina Gomez. If this doesn't give you the hibbie jibbies you should call up SVU and tell them you are ready to replace Marishka Hargitay because you are made of some seriously hardcore shit. 

I don't know when or why (WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!) this picture was taken but some should be arrested for distributing child pornography. Blaaack. 

If anyone wants to give me a hard time for hating on Justin Beider, you can go jump in a lake. This guy, this guy (I use that term loosely). Here is a quote from a speech he gave while accepting some maky-up award for being a douche or whatever: 


"I'm 19 years old. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say, it should really be about the music, it should be about the craft, the craft that I'm making. This is not a gimmick. I'm an artist and I should be taken seriously, and all this other bull should not be spoken of."


Ok pal. Some hos in the audience agreed and started booing his ass. Surprisingly, the Biebs didn't puff up like a Power Puff girl on her period and threaten pull the heads off all haters Barbies dolls as his bodyguard held him from his suspenders  The Biebs just kept on spewing some ridiculous shit about how he's not a gimmick and is a true artist. 


Put on the Carpenters because I am about to have a nice warm bath with the toaster. Apparently we have to take toddlers seriously who wear sunglasses at night inside and leather jammies to award cerimonies. Someone really should have told his teenage mother about wire hangers. Too far? Maybe. Someone should tell all the adults in his life to fucking grow a pair. No. Just No. 

In Celebration of Woman's Day I Compiled Some of my Favorit Quotes on Women with Comment

I chose Medea as the picture because serioulsy this lady encompasses all that I associate with being a kick ass woman in reality - Inteligent: check. Manipulative: check. Settles for a dude below her so she can boss that asshole around: check. Totally crazy: check. Like totally, totally cray-cray: check. 

“I hate women because they always know where things are”

-       James Thurber

That’s easy, your dirty undies are right where you left them – on the kitchen floor, and that tool box is also right where you left it – on the traditional resting place of tool boxes: the mantelpiece. Men are idiots.

“I think women rule the world and that no man has ever done anything that a woman either hasn't allowed him to do or encouraged him to do.”

-Bob Dylan

Yes, you can stay – well except all the shitty stuff, that was deffo a man’s fault - war? famine? = Man . Just don’t use that whiney voice you are so fond of.  And don’t cut your hair, woman LOVE a curly mop – seriously.

“A woman, especially, if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.”

-       Jane Austin

Such a flowery asshole – don’t read these woman hating books – Heahtcliff? Seriously I would chosoe Edward Cullen over that misogynist jerk.  

“A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands.”

-Lord Byron

I can understand this quote, it’s had to be eloquent when you have a high heel right up you’re a-hole. Lobster and champagne? What about tacos and onion soup  from a straw? However, if you're cooking, I’m eating – you sexist, dick face, asshole. 

One a side note this comes to mind:

Woman: “I think I’ll have the lobster”

“Man: “well think again”

“Even when they meet in the street, women look at each other like Guelphs and Ghibellines”

-Arthur Schopenhauer

Nope, Too busy taking Jennifer Aniston’s side in the whole Bradgelina thing to know who those people are.

“ A woman is like a tea bag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is."

-       Nacy Ragan

This quote is WAY older than Nancy, typical of a woman, she stole this and tried to pass it off as her own – women a morons and have no original ideas – duh.

“Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one”

-W.C Fields

You just try and “own” a woman and see how that shit turns out – I’ll tell you: you end up paying alimony and she screws a “gay” gym instructor/baby sitter/assistant/just some guy that happened to walk by and whistle.

The Muthafuckas translation of Ovid's Pygmalion.

Ok, so as some of you may know I am a mythology major (translation: I'm a fantasist on an ego trip)  and a total asshole, so I though to myself: lets combine those two. So here is my Latin to English Translation of Ovid's  Pygmalion. It's 100% accurate and defiantly not scumbagged down. For Realz. 
I have tried (not very hard) to keep it in the original Dactylic Hexameter - pretty sure that means dyslexicShakespeare 



A sculptor notices how all  woman are like complete nag bags and total bitches and was all like "hell no". 
Pygmalion, sick of that shit, though deep and hard to himself and concluded that  ain't nobody got time for that. 

So dude created his own lady friend out of ivory (I assume that means the soap) and some other junk he had laying around, like socks and half eaten pizza pops and stuff. Let me tell you: wow, that was beauty! 

"I'll have some of that" he said and copped a good old feel. 

Pizza pop lady, ummm yeah. 

He wispered sweet nothing into that pizza pop ladies's ear, poetic sighs like " Just call me milk, I'll do your body good, I drive a Camaro,  I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock, your lucite heals are so delicate, your butt is like Pippa Middelton's after a 6 week yoga retreat ", whatever dude. 

He gave this pizza lady totally rocking gifts of shitty impersonal name brand watches and books she totally hates and or had read, maybe 50 Shade because he wanted her to get ideas in her feminist pizza head. 

"OH VENUS GRANT ME MY WISH OF TURNING THIS PIZZA POP LADIE INTO A SEXBOT!"

So luckily Venus is in town excepting an award or some shit and is all like : "sure no probs pal. I know I am usually a total asshole, well actually I still am, so here". SHEZAM. Sexbot lady at your service for you sculptor dude Pygmalion. 

The cheese melted into flesh and the flesh felt good, almost as good as pizza, but no quite, because that is obviously impossible. 

And they lived happily ever after. Well until she was all like "this is the 21st century asshole, I want flowers and a resectable job you fat slob". Then Pygmalion was totally fucked. 



(Looking back I think I may have translated pizza wrongly)

Oprah Likes A Lot Of Baby Dick On Her Face

So Oprah is a word that I have to spell backwards first before I can't comprehend the frontword spell-how. H A R P O. 

Anyways, Oprah is real vocal about how female crotch mutalation is like totally shitty and stuff but wakes up every morning and smears baby dink all over her face in the form of incredibly over priced face cream.  I asked a bunch of twinks downtown if this works and really I didn't need to know, those hard up dudes look like shit. 

This comes is the wake of Mother O doing a show in PJ durring the day capital of the world, Vancouver. Apparently their is a group of uptight ladies who don't fancy the idea of "doctors" cutting off a teeny tiny bit of their kids baby maker. Go figure. So these dink worriers have put their Sherlock caps on and noticed that H AR P O (too drunk to type forwards) has a crusade on female genital mutilation yet loves nothing better than to smear baby dick night/day cream all over her glorious face. So they are out side her  show right now protesting.

I hear you ladies who doen't want baby dick either cut off or on your face. Really when it is put like that how does? 

Whoop! Lazy Post: December Facebook Round-Up

I thought I would put this rambling of nonsense and idiocy together just to remind myself how self satisfied I am. I mean really, any jerk who has a blog must be pretty damn self satisfied, but since my posts lately have been low-brow re-writes of history I though I needed a little sumptin to remind myself that I am a total narcissistic jerk. More importantly to remind YOU that I am like totally with it and junk.

So. BOOM. Hammer Time. Whoop here it is. My top picks of my December FB posts:

"pretty sure I want to sex all over Zooey Deschanel, she's like the prettier, more lovable, funnier, wittier, more talented, richer, better dressed version of every woman I know."

"Oh Geez. Karma is a total asshole. 

Walking home tonight me and the kids spotted the last eclair in the bakery window, so snatched that shit right up. Kids went to bed forgetting all about the pastry of happiness in my bag. So like any good mother I broke out and ate the lot, safe in the knowledge those jerks were tucked up tight in their beds......to my dismay it was a whole-wheat eclair . WHY? WHY! WHY?

I blame the hippies."

"Just fucking great. My toddler is saying "mama get in, mama get in" and pointing at a laundry basket. 

Looks like I will be spending Friday night inside a laundry basket. If anyone offers me "tea" from an empty pot I am so like totally fucking out of here."

"That awful moment when you realise that "those horrifying old bags" on Sex and the City are younger than you. "

"First World problem: when you buy a cute print off some jerk on etsy and it is NOT a standard IKEA frame size...NO.........!"

"It's that time of year when my google history is filled with searches for: "online Aderall supplier", "best laxative", "foods that don't taste like sweaty camel balls that makes you loose the chunk", and every other get skinny quick scheme you can think of."

"All is well in the world: the guy who leaked naked sex shots of Scarlett Johansson just got 10 years of hard time - guy who sells guns to fucked up American kids - pat on the back 

FUCK YOU WORLD - FUCK YOU."


This post makes it seem like I love myself so much that I would take it up the butt for me - really I am just too lazy to write something original. I promise I will regret this self static-fide display of extrovertness just as much as a girl who took it up the butt once the cruel cold light of sober hits me in the jerk hole. 

Memoirs From Inside A Laundry Basket

"Is this what my life has come to?" 

That is what goes across your mind when you are sitting in a laundry basket - a full of dirty kid skid marked underpants, laundry basked, drinking "tea" from an empty pot.

But then your mind starts to wonder to all the awesome stuff your new laundry basket home should have, like wine delivery, Lenny Briscoe, and some more room to pass out in later when the wine delivery runs out....and maybe a smoking section. 

You remember how totally cool it was to build a sheet fort when you were 7? Well when you are 30 it's not such a hoot - you have to clean that shit up. It also takes all of 10 minutes to set up, not the hours of fun you remember. Kid's memories are shittier than Arnold Schwarzenegger's in Total Recall. I guess that is a good thing because they wont remember the huge ass eyelid biceps parents have from all the extree eyehole rolling we do every time our kids ask us to play spiderman and Captain America in a Lego storm or whatever practical brand of tourture your kids inflict on you. 

PS. The only morons who make sheet forts that look like the one in the image above are kidless hipster, who are either too stupid or too pretend broke to go out and do recreational soft drugs like normal teenagers. Have fun being an unemployed asshole "writer" - hey at least you can write: '"really great fort maker, as long as no kids are involved" on you CV. 

Things That Look Like Jesus

This post isn't meant to be offensive, Jesus works in mysterious way and here are just someone of them. I like a guy that relates to the people and some dog butts. 

This Dog's butt

The mold on this skanky teenager's bath tub 

Hello Jesus in the sky!

He is even showing up as his botched up version 

Here's another botch - Actually this is the true version of light and love..."anyone want a peanut?" - if you don't get it...you're on the wrong site. 

Christian (name no coincidence) Bale 

Jesus in a Apprentice rejects frying pan 

And my Dad if Jesus had made it to 65.....I totally am not an ego manica! 

Christmas Craft Ideas

Here's some shit I knocked out over the holiday season 

Some Popsicle Christmas trees 

Some Popsicle snowflakes 

Glittered the shit out of some pinecones and sticks 

Boats 

Cookie trees decorated by kids - burnt by me

Wine box lantern 

Mince pies with shapes on top 

How To Freak Out Your Neighbors: Send Them Happy Messages On Their Wireless Printers

We discovered that one of our neighbors has a wireless printer so sent the above picture as a message. This is something I strongly suggest more people should be doing.

I settled on Ken Barlow, however it was a tough choice between Ken and Murphy Brown . Make sure to not be too creepy and risk the chance of being arrested - being arrested is the total pits.

Fuck work, kids, and life, Imma gonna spend the rest of my days roaming the streets looking for people with wireless printers.

History Of New Year Resolutions

Well if you are anything like me you assumed that the New Year resolution originated with the mother of all hangovers  "I AINT NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!"  - well it didn't. 

New Year's Day merrymaking began in Babylonia in March but was changed to January by the Romans - don't ask me why, prolly just for shits and giggles. However, this is where the New Year resolution was birthed. January is named after Janus, a two headed god who looked backwards into the "WTF was I thinking" years and into the "I am totally going to get skinny, stop drinking, and maybe take an art class" future years. 

So this god's atributes were adopted to the new year - durring the Republic the Romans tended to stick to pretty dull moral favors like: be good to others and that kind of thing - then shit got REAL boring when the Roman Empire adopted Christianity, moral intentions were replaced with fasting and prayer. But just when you though that this post was getting dull something called the  Feast of the Circumcision was adopted for the 1st of January.

Yeah you read that right (and I typed it right - which will be even more amazing to you if you read this blog regularly) :  Feast of the Circumcision. This is when Christians gathered round and had a big feast in celebration of the chopped off foreskin of JesusHChrist - too many dick munching jokes to compute!. Oddly enough this event became popular for all - not just Christians and replaced the worship of Janus. 

From there resolutions where ignored until as recent as the 17th century when Puritans went as far as to ban the word "January", preferring it to be called "the first month". However the Puritans also urged each other to reflect on the past and the future durring this time of year. Go figure.  These were enumerated as commitments to better employ their talents, treat their neighbors with charity, and avoid their habitual sins - which I assume lead to a lot of Puritans putting on the Carpenters, running a hot bath, and sharing that bath with an electrical appliance. 

American theologian Jonathan Edwards is widely credited with bring back the New Year resolution, however he didn't make his choices half cut on New Years Eve like the rest of us, he spend 2 years working on 70 vices he wanted to cut from his life. Some people are just over achievers. 

5 False Myths About Christmas

I started this post with the intention of doing 10 myths, but them experienced the bedtime from Hell , which resulted in me screaming about smelly old beats in stockig etc.. you know the drill. Any ways that kind of thing leads to wine and wine leads to me being a lazy jerk. So here are 5: 

1. Coca Cola gave Santa a make-over

Actually the colours are widely though to originate with the original Santa - St Nicholas, a Bishop of Myra (Turkey) in the 4th Century.  Red and white were the hues of traditional bishop robes, although some jerky historians argue that he originally dressed in different colours just to mess things up for me and the purpose of this blog post. 

2. Atheist / Muslim / Gay agenda of war on Christmas 

Where? If I look outside my window it looks like a elf barfed all over Amsterdam - home of the Devil and quite a lot of gay Atheist homos (no commas not a typo).My TV is full of Christmas shows, my calender is full of Christmas events.. and I FUCKING LOVE IT!

 As John Stewart explained: "Christmas belongs to all of us because all of us can find something in it to be angry about."  

3. Christmas is a happy time of year

Nope. According to a recent study of FaceBook statuses, two weeks before Christmas is the most common time to get dumped. Christmas is a real popular time of year to top yourself too. 

4. Santa's helpers are elves/ chimney sweeps

Sorry but (originally and still in the Low Countries) Santa's "helper" is a Moor slave - a child slave. Charming. How do you think Santa makes all those toys and gets so much shit done if isn't from a combination of slavery and chid labour? 

5. Christmas is the biggest and the best holiday on Jesus calendar 

Easter, the day on which Christians believe Jewish zombie JesusHChrist rose from the dead, has more religious significance than does Dec. 25 - which is a kind of makey-up-day. 

So it seems that Christmas' huge popularity has a lot to do with the fabulous atheists, gays and everyone else who like getting drunk durring the day, tinsel, and fat men - further proof that this War on Christmas is a load of frog balls. 

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Guest Blogger Dania On Step Kids, Ruined Marriages And Buttseck

The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the rate for first ones. Don’t ask for percentages or references because I don’t have time to look that shit up. I read it somewhere on the internet ok? You guys are lucky that I took the time to write this informative little piece in the hopes of helping some unfortunate soul from making the same mistakes I did.

Why, you ask, do more second marriages fail? It’s not money or sex. We have our shit together by the time we take a second trip down the aisle. We expect a pre-nup and we don’t care if our husbands bang the secretary…that bitch can go down on him like nobody’s business and we don’t care. That leaves us more time with Fernando, the pool boy, who unlike our husbands, is hot and does that thing with his tongue that we like. No, it’s the kids. Or as I like to refer to them: the baggage.

I used to love traveling - as a matter of fact that’s one of the reasons I married my husband. Well, I mean I married him for his money of course, but that meant I could spend it traveling but then airlines started charging baggage fees - outrageous fees.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind spending my husband’s money hand over fist. What I do mind is having to pay for something that should be included.

And that brings us to the step-kids…the baggage fee of second marriages. And why most second marriages are doomed.  Somebody has got to take them.  Personally I don’t get it. There are 6 year olds in China holding down full time jobs in sneaker factories so why couldn’t my husband’s kids get a job instead of going to elementary school? Why do I have to pay for his mistake of not pulling out?

It’s not that I don’t like kids – they can be useful (see the aforementioned sneaker factory), plus if you put Swiffer pads on an infant who is learning to crawl it can clean the entire floor in less than a day. But I digress.  No, the reason step-kids ruin marriage is because they are a constant reminder.  I do not want to be reminded that my husband was once married to someone else, and no, I’m not jealous, but I do not want to be reminded of how many times I had to take it in the ass in order to steal my husband away from his former wife.  Not just take it in the ass, but pretend to fucking love it, which is why I started drinking and that reminds me, I’ve been typing for 5 minutes and haven’t had a sip of my martini. Hold on a sec, I’ll be right back.

 

Oh wow, I forgot I started writing this thing. Sorry, the past 2 days are kind of blurry. Now then, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, step-kids and why they ruin a marriage.  Holidays; that’s another reason the little bastards doom it. Every Christmas it’s that same thing: constantly whining about coming home and spending time with us…I mean seriously, the ungrateful bastards do not appreciate how much of their father’s money I spend so that they can go to a lovely boarding school in Switzerland.  I don’t want them running around and distracting me from my private one-on-one ski lessons in Aspen with my new friend, Hans.  It’s hard enough explaining the hours I spend every day with Hans to my husband. Apparently he thinks after a week I should know how to ski, or at least have bought a pair of skis, whatever.

 

Just now the oldest messaged me again and asked for the fifth time this week to please come home. I told him to go spend the holidays with his sister, what’s her name, the short ugly redhead.  He said something about not having a sister. Now that I think about it, he may be right. We did have a Pomeranian. That’s probably it. No wonder I always liked that one the best.

Anyway, Fernando is here and I need him to, um, work on something.  Learn from my mistakes and make sure you move immediately after sending the step-kids away to school and remember to change your phone number.  Also, I hear there are openings in the new Nike factory in Szechung. 

-Dania