Historical Hunk With A Sword: Farm Boy Wesley - The Dread Pirate Roberts

(I am not down sizing this picture for no one) 

Though as an adult it is pretty apparent that the true Historical Hunk With A Sword is Inigo Montoya, as a naive child, Wesley was top professor wizz wizz (http://thesaurus.com/, tells me that that is another word for top dog and I'm going with it). 

Wess took on a dude called "Prince Humperdink" in the 80's - that is so hipster, he took that shit on BEFORE it was cool to humperdinks. 

Fuckit, here is Inigo stirring up all kinds of emotions from your childhood & telling you what he will do to the six fingered man.

Anyone got a penut? 
If you don't know what that means you should hop in the bath, play with the toaster and have a long hard sip of battery acid. 

Lindsay Lohan Slapped A Bitch In The Face

We should be thanking the baby Jesus for blessing the earth with walking angle Lindsay Lohan, every time she takes a step that is just God'S way of kissing the planet. Just look at this image of natural beauty! I just love a bitch with a right arm that is a spiegati noodle that has not been Photoshopped at all.

Every Lindsay mug shot is just God's way of beautifying the internet. I wake-up every morning and prey thanks that the universe had blessed our lives with TV film Liz & Dick
If only YOU could be as lucky as the fine dust of Aunty Norma C that makes its lucky way up Lindsay's hungry nostrils! If only! Then maybe YOU wouldn't be so judgmental.

Lindsay woke up today safe in the knowledge that she would win and Oscar, Tony and prolly a Nobel Peace Prize for her hard work of playing dress-up as Liz Taylor, only to find that she had smacked a bitch in the face and is heading to her second home in the slammer. 

I guess the universe got drunk last night (who didn't!) and fucked that shit up, that punch was meant for Lindsay's fug meth face.

The People Who Hate Christmas Because It Is Too Materialistic Are The Losers Of Humanity

So you hate Christmas because it's all about material giving and  shopping? Maybe you should take a good long look at yourself in the mirror are realize that you are a tall dark drink of FUCKING HYPOCRITE. 

Sure I like the shopping, but I am pretty sure that is the mania part of my depression speaking - best time of year for a manic depressant- shopping with no guilt! Any ways if you think that Christmas is about the gifts you will get, then that is your own god damn problem! You are as bad as the assholes that think Christmas is about Jesus. 

 Getting a gift for some dirt bag with no money who has put some effort into finding a penny with the birth year of your high school crush (Spragina I'm looking at you) is WAY better than getting a Paul Frank scarf that you hate, and if you need me to tell you that, you are not only a hypocrite but also a morn (among other things that look like this: &****$$#%^%$$ when your mum types). The best gift you can give someone is time, and all us Christmas cheese balls know that.

 If what gets you is the busy shopping then prepare ,like a person with common fucking sense, you should  shop in November. It is always these Christmas haters (or X-Mass, as they prefer) morons that  give me slack for starting my Christmas shopping the day after Halloween, well guess what muthafuckas I am done - and it will be you in the herds other other assholes that hate Christmas at HMV buying shit for people that they don't want - SO you are what is wrong with Christmas - not me. I spent the whole year thinking of things that my family and friends would actually like. 

Christmas is when magic is real. You get drunk during the day, eat until you want to chuck, watch Dr Who, and it is a good thing that a fat guy home invades you. If that aint magic I don't know what is. 

Every Facebook status I see about Christmas music on too soon I think "What the hell is wrong with you?" Well actually I think "you moody dirtbag, you aren't an emo teenager, and it isn't cool not to like Christmas, so what's your problem?" Christmas music IS what is good about Christmas - for all you assholes that complain about it - sit back a rid a trout (I am almost 100% sure that is what that saying is) - Embrace Bubbel, kooky hats and drunk housewives . 

RANT OVA! 

Move Over Grace Kelly There Is New Personification Of Elegance In Town

No one rocks a cigarette underwear ensemble in Miami trafic like Boardwalk Empire's Paz de la Huerta. 

To hell with Jodie March, Courtney Love or 1997 Britney Spears, we have a reining champion of elegance and glass right here! Paz really puts the ass in godaaaasssss. 

The lucky people of Miami got an eyeful of bliss, followed by a cocktail of refinement when Paz gracefully rolled out of her 1990's bikini and into her Miami uniform: slut undies in the completely private and not fame whoring at all option of RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF GOD DAMN MOVING TRAFIC.

Nothing says you have arrived in Hollywood like freshly fucked hair, smoke in hand, and public nudity. This delicate angle is a walking marble sculpture .

A History Of The World In 20 Completely Accurate Quotes That Use The Word Fuck

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   So I dug deep and hard into the bowls of history to find 20 absolutely  100% not made up by me right now dunk alone at my compute, to find the top 20 quotes that use the word "fuck" to some-up the history of the world. Enjoy. 

  1.  “What the fuck was that?”

 – particles and shit right after the Big Bang.

   2.  “I want it to be the biggest fuck triangle I was ever seen!!!”        -Tutankhamun

 3. “So let me get this straight? You want me to build a 8851.8 km long wall for free? No Fuckn’ thank you” 

– Chines slave laborer

  4. “WFT man? I thought we were pals” 

– Julius Caesar, right after Brutus stabbed him in the back.

  5. “You think this fucking shit was built in a day?” 

-The Romans.

  6. “How many virgins will be waiting to fuck me?” 

– guy on board for the rise of Islam.

  7. “Does this pointy hat make my butt look fat?” “No, your fucking fat makes your butt look fat”

 – Vikings on the treadmill.

  8. “Seriously, you guys need to fuck off now” 

– The Amerindians.

  9. “Fuck you” “No, fuck you” 

– Catholic / Protestant

  10. “Where did my fucking head go you guys?” 

- Charles I 

  11. “This fucking sucks HUGE balls” 

– Slaves

  12. “We’re carving-up Africa? I want a piece of that shit!” 

– Europeans

  13. “Fuck the man! Unless that man is me” 

– Big Brother

  14. My foot looks like a fucking raisin after the moon fell on it” – Soldier with trench foot.

  15. “I’m not getting in THAT fucking shower” 

– Anne Franke

  16.  “It looks like a fucking bomb hit this place!” 

– Mayor of Hiroshima

  17. “WTF are we doing here?” 

– Forrest Gump in Vietnam

  18.  “Pink Floyd! I Fucking hate Pink Floyd”

 - Eastern German

  19. “Made in Fucking China” 

– Everyone

  20. “I’m really fucking broke!” 

– Bear Stearns

 What have I learnt from this? Don't try and copy and past a numbered list from a Word document. 

12. Is missing a fuck, so fuck the lot of you. There. 

A Montage Of Two Of My Favorite Things: Stephen Fry & Laughing

Patsy Stone Mistakes Leo DeCatchahoe's Head For A Vodka Botel

Here is Joanna Lumley sucking the sweet nectar of youth from Leonardo Dicaprio's face. 

I have no fucking idea what this picture is about, and every site I look at is too hook-up on Patsy geting some, to worry about the events that lead to this.

However I have put my Sherlock cap on and deciphered that other than beng a hot slut and a Gurka warrior prinsess   Patsy Stone ia also  on the Brooklyn set of Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street  and she's getting a check to do it- as if a delicate feminist buttercup would rub faces with that douche without a check! 

Any ways here is Pasty giving the UK government a hard time 

A Haiku From The Perspective Of A Depressed Two Year Old

This is about how kids as young as two are being prescribed antidepressants. At first I was all like WTF? But then I thought about it an was all like YTF (yes the fuck). Sometimes being a two year old is depressing, it's not all Iggle Piggle, Frosten gum drops and cuddles. So I wrote a haiku from the perspective of a depressed two year old. 

 Every morning I awake in a cage,

The hard wintery sent of stale urine fills my nose

The sheets are cold and damp