Roman Dinner Parties Were Terrifying: Domitian

(Domitian, emprtor 81-96 CE, Dion 67.9)
To understand this you first need to understand the connection Romans had between food and power, for example if you went to a roman dinner party of 20 people not everyone would be served the same food and wine, if you were from the upper crust and your host wanted something from you then you would get the good stuff - if you were there looking for a handout, you get last night's leftovers and luke warm donkey piss water.

 Roman emperors were notorious douche bags when dinner invitations where concerned, here is Domitian being a class A asshole. 

To pump his self up he "prepared a room that was pitch black on every side, ceiling, walls and floor, and made ready bare couches of the same colour resting on the on the uncovered floor". He then told all the guest's attendants to take a hike, making them arrive alone in the dark. 

When the guests arrived they were handed a "slab like a grave stone" baring the guests name - now this was a little more than a Halloween joke as Domitian was actually more likely to bust a daggar in your scull durring dinner than not. So it is safe to say that by this point the guest were shitting bricks. 

Next to come was the naked, blacked-up, "comely boys baring gifts of all the goodies that were offered durring sacrifice. Throughout the dinner all the guests kept quite listening to their host babble nonstop about death and slaughter. I am guessing they were all pretty busy trying to figure out what the smell is, as it is likely that some of the guest bowls had sprung a leak by this point. 

Well the guests did make it out of Domitian's villa alive, however, when they arrived home there was a knock on the door and they all "expecting to perish at this time"- it was the little, hot, naked boy, baring gifts of gold, silver and all kinds of other junk like that. 

SURPRISE! It was all just a joke and some kind of mind-fuck power game. Oh those Roman Emperors! 

Other Roman Emperors did other terrible things to their guests like: having the guests drown in petals, leading them into rooms containing lions, tigers and bears, serving food make from wood, and food covered with magots (remember if you didn't eat this shit - curtains). 

Here is Horrible histories' Roman Come Dine with Me: 

Scot Isadick Sticks A Finger Up Kourtney Kardashian's Asshole

I have not better idea than you why this picture is news, but according to the internet  it is . 

I guess this is some kind of fame whoring "How-To" example taken from the much used text book of: assholes with no job that make more money from one finger up the asshole picture then you do it an entire year. 

My take on this picture is: Pimp mama Kris wasn't happy that one of her fully grown Kash Kows wasn't plowing in enough money for Bruce's next face lift or hoe school for the younger Kuntrashians, so she told Scot Idon'thaveadick to shove a finger right up the poop shoot of her first born - AND CALL THAT PAPS!

For anyone who can't tell who these assholes are or know what the god damn hell I am talking about (has nothing to do with the the bad case of the drunks I have) - you're lucky and I aint gonna ruin that serenity by telling you who it is. 

Though it was nice of Kuntney to match her romper with the KACW's title band - Thanks Kunt! 

People I don't Want To Know: Artemis

When I was a kid we had a couple of pigs called Artemis and Fartemis, so maybe it's some deep Freudian childhood connection why I just don't give a flying fuck about this boring bitch - but I don't. 
I do remeber my friend, Donna, asking: "where's Artemis and Fartemis?",when we were about 10, my answer: "the freezer" - farm kids are tough as nails. 

Any ways here's the gist on Artemis and why she is so dull. With mythology you get different stories on the gods depending on who you ask, however, Artemis is always a virgin with nothing better to do than hunt. 

She is also the bitch responsible for pain during childbirth - in particular, pain for women who die durring childbirth - asshole. 

In High class social circles they call getting the rag 
 "moon cycle" thanks to this extreem woman hating cunt; her twin was the Sun, Apollo, she was the moon. 

Like all gods Artemis is a real vindictive a-hole, prolly the most famous story is that one time when her and Apollo killed all of Niobe's children because Niobe  showed hubris (extreem arrogance). Stupid bitch should no her place! 

Artemis was constantly hating all over Aphrodite for being such a hot slut (those two really hate each other's guts) and trying to shove chastity belts on anyone who wanted to spray their seed by bumping uglies instead of making war. 

Foror such a prude, Artemis sure does show a lot of tit in her painting, I'll give her that. 

Ronnie Wood Is Engaged And It Is Not to A Toddler

(Via Huf Po)
Ronnie Wood is best known these days for dressing up like a scarecrow in Ugg boots and dating high school drop outs, so the news that he is engaged to someone that is legally allowed to attend one of his shows is some what of a shocking scandal. 

However, it is still pretty icky when you do the maths: Ronnie is 65 and the futre ex-Mrs Wood (no way is this shit lasting the full year), theater producer Sally Humphrey,  is the ripe old age of 35 - ick. 

Ronnie has apparently known Sally "for years", so says Ron's step son, Jamie. I guess she was Jamie's babysitter, sold him some pot once, served him a Big Mac or what ever the hell it is that teenagers do for gas and Bacardi Breezer money- because "years" ago Sally was a shitty teenager. 

Jamie furthers by saying that: "She's  (Sally) not his (Ronnie) type, that's the unusual thing. Sally's definitely not one of the bimbos he usually goes for," No - she's bimbo looking for a quick check and a google bump on her theater producing name. Not just a quick ride on Ronnie's aging saggy rocker disco stick and a lick of his cocaine laced no-no hole. 

Well all the best to you Sally! 

OctoMom Is In Rehab

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The World Through Crack Tinted Glasses: Courtney Love Is Making Kurt Cobain The Musical **Jazz hands**

I actually think that I may love Courtney Love more than I love my own children, any hoe that chucks makeup at Madonna is a friend of mine. 

Any ways, Court wake up, put on her favorit crack tinted glasses and decided what the world needs is a Kurt Cobain musical...from her perspective. Courtney's perspective is usually one taken via a sticky nightclub bathroom floor while giving a twink advice on the proper edict of how to give a beej, so I am really looking forward to this!

What makes this even better is that the creative genius behind this hurricane of bad ideas is the Frappichino enabler of 1997 Brittney spears, Sam Lutfi! This guy convinced a Chetto princess to shave her fucking weave to keep the social at bay - this is going to be one hell of a good show if 1997 tabloid headlines are anything to go by!

Here is what the futre master film maker had to say about it: 

“[Courtney Love and I] are currently working on a possible motion picture or Broadway musical based on the Nirvana catalogue, based on her life and Kurt Cobain’s,”

“It’s an idea. I’m sorry. I can’t say anything more.”

These sly fucks are keeping the antis......................apation real! 

Historical Hunk With A Sword: Gwaine

I understand that I am using the term "historical" pretty loosely - but hell I live in a pretty loose interpretation of reality so...

Gwaine has always been one of my bedtime knicker soakers so I have been extra please with the BBC's casting in their super awesome, totally historically, and mythologically accurate series Merlin. 

Another thing I like about this series is that they have cast a lot of Irish actors to play English roles, so every once and a while, actually ALL THE FUCKING TIME, someone will be spewing their lines and a "Oh fer feck'n sure I lub po-tatoes" or what ever Irish people say comes out.

Rod Stewart May Not Have A Stomach Full of Cum But He Does Have A Butt Full Of Coke

I woke today to the hard hitting, absolutely devastating news that all those tummy full of cummy Rod Stewart rumors were a load of porky pies, next thing we'll find out that Richard Gear doesn't have entire colony of gerbils stored up his no-no hole. 

However, my faith in hot Rod and humanity has been restored by some of the thought provoking literary genius of Rod's auto biography, Rod: The Autobiography. I wonder how many interns it took to come up with that innovative and totally artistic title? 

In his magnum opus Rod reveals the most WTF way he ever did drugs. Rod claims that because his, and then Little Faces bandmate Ronnie Wood's, hungry nostrils were on a diet they decided that their hungry butt holes could use a good turn at hovering up the bad shit. 

This is what hot Rod had to say about it: 

" we  found another method of taking the drug. We put them in a little pill like the French do them, a suppository. We did that for a little while."

French people pop coke up their butts? That's not very classy? BUT very avant garde
 and a little pretentious - so maybe? 

Rod then claims that he was never a messy fuck up drug addict like the jerks we see on TV, actually like  the jerks he fathered that we see on TV. 

I guess nothing says you've made it like poking coke up your asshole. Celebrities are so wacky like that! 

Medusa: Crazy Snake Lady or Hot Slut

My apologies that the language in this post may be a bit more legible than my other posts as this is a re-wrok of of a real life academic  (BAHAHAHAH) that paper I did. 

Before I get into it here is the jist of Medusa's story for anyone that doesn't know. 

 Medusa is a mythological character which evolved considerably from a hideous monster of the Olympian generation to a triadic victim of metamorphosis in the Hellenistic period .  Commonly, Medusa was thought to be one of three Gorgons, terrifying woman-like creatures best identified with a nest of snakes in place of hair and a gaze that turned all to stone. Of the three Gorgons, Medusa was the only mortal. 

Ok here we go...

Mythology surrounding Medusa has varying representations, the most significant differences come from the depiction of Medusa, both her physicality and her biography. I will be asses this through the analysis of three sources accounts of Medusa: Hesiod’s, Shield of Heracles, an image found on a red-figure hydria, and Ovid’s Metamorphoses. 

   The account of Medusa as told by Hesiod, writing in approximately 700 BCE, though limited to her death, is an insight into the perception of Medusa by Greek Dark-Age society . As well as the oldest, this is the least flattering description of Medusa of the sources. She is described as a “totaly butters monster (…) unapproachable and a total minger”, whereas Perseus (the jerk that cuts her head off) is glorified “ (Perseus) is like a feminist Ryan Gosling ”. There is no scene of humanity or sympathy attributed to Medusa by Hesiod, she is simply a fug bitch slain by a hero.

   The image found on a red-figure hydria  made in Attica during the fifth century BCE, shows an evolution of the perception of Medusa. Though the hydria depicts the same event as Hesiod there is a different aura to the piece. Here Perseus is shown clad in the dread cap of Hades yet he appears to be a cowardly douche bag as he hastily flees the scene. Similarly Athena’s presence does not appear to be one of assurance or righteousness, as she is getting right the fuck out of there as well. Contrasting this is Medusa, who though decapitated, is intrepidly prizing her body from the ground. Though only partially visible from inside Perseus’ kibisis, Medusa’s head is a non-grotesque women (as if there were such a thing as a non-grotesque woman!). 

Moreover there is a complete lack of snakes on her head and body- in fact the only snakes on the hydria are on Athena’s skirts - Athene is a real sneaky bitch (British Museum, 2012). Medusa seems human and vulnerable, however she still has non-human attributes. From instance the huge fucking  magnificent wings sprouting from her back, she is shown as a lager figure than Perseus and even the Goddess Athens, while her facial features still slightly resemble Janis Dickinson's . This displays that though Medusa has been humanized she is still an oddity - much like Janis Dickinson.

The final source comes from Ovid writing in the first century AD Augustan Rome, as part of his work Metamorphoses. Polar to Hesiod’s description, Ovid cultivates Medusa by not focusing on her  death but her shitty council estate style life. Ovid explains the reason why, unlike the other Gorgons, Medusa was mortal. For she was once “fit chick”, and that “the story goes that Neptune (Poseidon) (…) raped this glorious creature inside the shrine of Minerva (Athena)”. Ovid explains as punishment for this “sin” Athena transformed the maiden’s “beautiful hair to terrible snakes” - Fucken mega shitty deal! 

  All three sources are a depiction of Medusa, yet the perception conveyed varies widely. Medusa’s metamorphose from minger to fit chick is perhaps a reflection of the changing social structures and values underpinning the different cultural contexts . The Greek Dark Ages were very much a heroic society of douche bags; this became progressively less so through to Augustan Rome where greater emphasis was placed on contemporary achievements of tangible douche bags.  

Celebrity Bitch: Aphrodite

Aphrodite is the goddess of love, which is weird because she is much a mega bitch and hater of all women everywhere, unless you are slut, she LOVES sluts. 

There are different myths regarding her birth, though I think (and I am a totally drunk lush reliable legitimate source) the most plausible one is that she is the daughter of Uranus because she is such an asshole. That dinner time story goes that Cronos cut of Uranus' balls and peen which feel into the sea and BAM Aphrodite was born. Charming. 

Like all the Greek gods and goddess Aphrodite was a total hot slut. Though she was married to Hephaestus (who that fuck is that guy?) she had the hots for Olympian bad-ass, all round not-so-nice guy Aries  who she bore two sprogs by, Eros (that's cupid to you low brow scum) and Anteros (literaly love returned), Deimos (death) and Phobos (fear) - these two sound like a real barrel of laughs and Harmonia (harmony) and maybe Priapus (some minor fertility goddess that no one real gives a shit about) - bitch has too many kids to keep exact account. 
She also rubbed uglies with Adonis and Anchises and a bunch of other dudes that no one ever heard of. 

Aphrodite is famous as being a total psycho bitch with a bad case of the total FEAK THE FUCK OUTS. Usually as a result of some dumb jerk mortal man finding someone more attractive than her or for refusing to be a total slut, like Hippolytus (this is where your Google skills will come in handy). 

However, she did punish women for not bowing down to her hungry crotch too, for example she turned her rage on the women of Lemmons by making them smell so funky that their husbands refused to hump on their junk. 

Seriously though pretty people are cunts. 

While searching for an image for this classy post I came a cross this DIY Aphrodite picture. This is the shit that Lindsay LoBlohan and Terry Richardson could only dream queef about. 

Open letter To New Parents - Other People Are Lying Jerks

This letter is addressed to anyone who feels disconcerted about their own child due to the heroic stories other parents tell about their kids.

I don't know what it is about some parents that feel the need to express things that are so obvioulsy not true about their kids - you should be happy having a baby that does stupid baby stuff like have a bottle and shit their pants - that stuff doesn't last forever so you should cherish it. Save the rest of us the tortortue of your fake baby genius story - we know you are full of shit and don't appreciate your attempt to make us feel like our own babies are infior to yours. 


So here is a de-coding of some the most common absolute lies told by parents to make themselves feel better and you feel worse brags people tell about their kids. 

This list gets progressively shitter to coincide with the progressively drunker I get. 

"My kid, who is under two, is potty training! 

What they actually mean is that their kid peed in a bowl on the floor, not that they are actually potty training and that a future of no diapers is in the near future. That happen at around three - if yo have a boy, you are just basically fucked and that little shit will pee directly beside the toilet for his whole life. 


"My 1.5 year old can count!" 

No it can't (for most people). What it can do is if you say "ONE!", say "TWO!" - that is not knowing numbers or the use of numbers. 

"My kid never has tantrums" 

Well, they only people who have said this to me have adult children, and I have seen those children as adults have tuntrums. 

"My kid will eat anything" 

What they actually mean is: I know what my kid will eat so only give him/her those options. 

Mum Night Cluding - fucking puke-atronic

Oh JesusHChrist! Sometimes you are put into situations that you just don't want to be in - like baby groups filled with assholes that pay hard earned cash to have gurus hug their kids (that is a real thing, you can pay someone to hug your kid, and these jerks are the exsact jerks that look down on parents that are not cut from the mold - go figure?). 

Tonight, however, it is night clubbing, and not just normal night clubbing, rubbing shoulders with yuppy economic students and art kids who have lawyer parents who live in squats just because it like so totally cool and shit - night clubbing at Amsterdam Dance Weekend - fuck no thanks. To quote Jaime Lannister *swoon* "the things we do for love". 

Anyone who is reading this blog may have picked up that I am a awkward piece of trash that doesn't mix well with normal society and the real word - a muthafucking club? Groddy! 

So when my significant other suggested that we go do this event as our night out  I thought "well shit Sheila this is going to be ruff" - obviously as a woman I just said "fine" and took out my frustration in other bat-shit crazy ways, like when my bike was stolen I basically said that by allowing this to happen he was directly responsible for all the orphans in the world via a route of over spending and throw-away-culture. Women are nuts. 

So any ways, here I go off to the clubs to act like a creepy weird in a corner - unless they put on some Bowie - then Imma gonna DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, and I don't know how to dance with my arms below my waist, like any respectable parent. 

That is someone thing for the "Mommy blogs" - no one tells you that when you become a parent you lose the ability to dance with your arms below your waits. 

The Boy Scouts Think Atheists Are Filth

The Boy Scouts have kindly told an 11 year old boy that his atheist scum ass is not wanted by giving him the ax from his local troop of friendly neighborhood scouts. George Pratt, 11, was exterminated from the group because he refused to say the Scout Promise because it includes swearing allegiance to God. This 11 year old has balls of steal! 

Here is what you are meant to read and promise to "obey" : 

“On my honour, I promise that I will do my best, To do my duty to God and to the Queen, To help other people, And to keep the Scout Law.”

Yup - the Queen. This didn't happen in some makey-upy fantasy la-la land like Alabama or the entire Southern Hemisphere, this happen in the UK! 

Cunt Queen spin doctor Simon Carter, assistant director of communications and marketing for the Scouts, claims that the move to kick George out of the Scouts wasn't religion based, just protocol based as Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, or whatever other religion is trendy at the moment are welcome - just no ATHEIST SCUMBAGS !

This makes me hope that there is a a heaven so one day George Pratt can laugh his ass off from a nice fluffy cloud as Simon Carter pushed a bolder up a hill to a soundtrack of soft rock  while being ass-raped by Canadian toddler lesbian, Justin Biedber, for all eternity down in the section in Hell for reserved for dirtbag Christians. 

Lady Gaga is releasing a brand of water: tastes like pretention and douche bag

Well actually if her perfume is anything to go on it will taste like "blood and sex", whatever lady! 

Lady Gaga refuses to just fuck the hell off by shoving more "art" down our reluctant throats. Just what the world needs - more bottled water. How embarrassing would it be to walk down the street drinking that shit? "Look at me - I just spent a small fortune on pompousness, bottled assholes pretending to be water - SUPER!" 

Lady Gaga makes me want to caca and her little monsters make me want to commit mass homiside.  Fuck my eyeballs are geting giant bi-seps from all the eye-rolling I have been doing while typing this complet pile of nonsense and steaming meat compost. 

Here is what some source (who is DEFONATLY not Lady Gaga's publicist) had to say about it: 

“Gaga has been at the center of a lot of attention over her weight increase. Losing her weight in such a short time and launching a healthy water drink may be part of a plan. Everyone at Gaga HQ is keeping very tight-lipped. There are plans being prepared for marketing strategies. We know that the water drink is due out in the near future. No one has seen prototypes of the bottle. Gaga water is something that has been in the pipeline for a few months, and now things are really gearing up to an announcement and high-profile launch.”

I am off do do some eyeball shots and insert a vodka tampon just to get over the misery of writing this "story". 

Woman Delivers Baby In Tree - Her Delivery Story In Better Than Yours

I couldn't find an appropriate picture of a woman squishing a baby out in a tree- go figure! So here's the 1990's Hang In There Cat. 

Via BBC

Anyone that has been watching the news, when I saw nes I do not mean E-News or what has been written on the local dive's bathroom wall, will know that regular Happyland Mozambiique is expereincing an extra fuck you from the gods by being under water .

Luck lady, Sofia Pedro, very heavily climbed a tree to escape rising flood water - bitch is real resourceful. Sofi proves to the world that women of the third world are whiney ass bitched by delivering a damn baby in a tree while under the threat of being swallowed by flood water, oh yeah and her grandmother had just died in the flood to, just to ice this shit cake. 

Sofia and her literal bush baby where air lifted shortly after the delivery by South African military helicopter and taken to a refuge clinic, where Sofia wiped placenta from her leg and politely told every person to ever complain about a shitty epidural to go fuck themselves. 

This kid better grow up to be Tarzan 

The World Health Organisation is appealing for baby delivery kits for an estimated 3,400 who are expected to give birth with no medical facilities in the coming three months in Mozambique. So if your heat isn't a dried crusty raisin go HERE to donate. 

People Watching at The Airpor

When you fly via airports that optimize the 21^st century by NOT having wifi you are left to get drunk and stare at the all the jerks walking past you.

I am guessing that some people may call me a racist for all the cultural serotypes I am about to spew out, but I figure as I am making fun all cultures equally that makes it ok. So here are some of the highlights:

1. Scandinavians are some hot practical bitches! Fucking vampire Eric and Jaime Lannister with gumboots, the lot of them! Is that what it is like up there in the ice tundra? Just a bunch of sexy bitched in sensible shoes?

2. Eastern Europeans need less Ed Hardy in their lives and more food – those jerks are all fucking skinny bitches

3. Americans and Canadians are LOUD talkers because they are used to a lot of space, so for anyone to hear them they have to shout at eachother – much in the same way that Chines or Indians are real close talkers – they are used to being crammed into everything.

4. A lot of people (women)  from England  do not know how to put make-up on. JESUSCHRIST! Your face is not a coloring book (thanks Maria). English people also do not know how to speak English. “Shtoopid” ? it’s stupid asshole.

5. The “Australian socialite”, or so she has called herself at lest three times since I have been sat next to her at the bar. By Australian socialite I assume she means that she wears her underpants on the inside of her jeans and only cooks up Siberian tiger prawns on the barbie. She’s been talking about her “glamorous alcoholic grandmother”, as someone who comes from a family with more than one alcoholic I know there is no much thing as a glamorous alcoholic – however what this girl means, apparently, is that her grandmother drinks whiskey and not barfed up Foster’s from the toilet basin.